Sunday, August 31, 2008

Skinny shorts, God's beauty...and Christmas??

YIPPEE.... I got to wear my "skinny" shorts today. I still can't believe they fit me. I had on my other shorts and they were feeling a bit baggy, especially in the crotch. Ya know when your shorts are hanging on your hips (barely). So I went into my closet of all of my old clothes. I couldn't look at my old skinny clothes anymore, so I put them in another closet and hid them away. I decided what the heck I will try them on...and they fit. I was super thrilled.

DH and I got to get away this weekend and had a blast. We went to visit with my sis and her a cabin. We are pretty tired now and really just want to spend Labor day in our P.J.s just watching t.v. and being lazy. The only thing we NEED to do is plant some trees DH bought. Let me just share some photos from the trip of all the beauty God has created. You can't refuse His existence once you lay your eyes on these photos :D

Pic by my sissy

Even some old dead corn stalk is beautiful!!!

I guess I have staggered around it enough. The only thing that has been on my mind is ya know.....wanting a BFP tomorrow. I feel like it is the night before Christmas, except I am not sure if Christmas is coming or not. So I guess we will see if Christmas comes early for us or not. Just be prepared for anything from me tomorrow.


Friday, August 29, 2008

Signs...Signs...Everywhere Signs!!

I totally believe in signs. I am sure that there are some signs that I might make into signs and therefore don't really count. But there are so many signs out there and usually they point right to our journey. I have been having MAD dreams lately. First they started off really wacky...I couldn't even explain them. Then they turned into pg dreams. Mostly of ppl telling me I was pg. The one I can really remember was of me in the RE's office and I went to nurse after nurse and each one would smile and say I have a surprise but you aren't having Quads...Triplets...etc. Each one went until the last nurse said You are pregnant. And I fainted. That was a great dream. I could feel the excitement and shock.

And for some reason...some of my dreams do come true. They aren't like predictions or anything, just some of them come true and then I remember I dreamed about it before it happened. I am sure we have all had our moments like that. Then there is the whole testing on labor day thing. Okay I know that is not a lot of signs. But they are better then none, right?

For once I am allowing myself to get my hopes up. I know this can be dangerous and I know the risks. I know that God will take care of me no matter what. So I am raising my hopes and walking tall. Warning: be prepared for this to bite me in the HINEY!! So be prepared for future sad posts if I get a BFN.

I am going to try and not post until I test on Monday. We will see how that goes!!!

Happy Wkend to Everyone...Hope y'all have a great Labor day!!!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Labor Day?? A sign maybe!!

6 More Days til Test Time!!!!

I get butterflies in my tummy thinking about the possibility of being pg. I daydream about it often. I even get excited about the morning sickness that will come. Because that is a SURE sign of pregnancy. I will be so proud of my growing belly. I can't imagine what if feels like to be pg. It must feel like a miracle. What an awesome bond. Oh I just get sooo excited about it. I think it is good to let myself dream about it every now and again. I definitely don't want to get my hopes up...but who cares...I can dream. The other night DH and I went to see Tro.pic Thu.nder (Downey was hilarious) and I saw a cute pregnant woman in there. I just knew that was a sign that I will soon be there too. I just wanted to stare at her because she was my size with my hair color and I could imagine myself being pg. Of course, I didn't stare because I didn't want her to think I was a wacko. I just can't wait to experience pregnancy.

Right now I have no pg symptoms, which doesn't really worry me. I am sure because everyone I has told me that they didn't feel any different when they were pg until after like 7 weeks. I am a bit nauseous...but that could be because I forgot to take my metformin right after bkfast. I took it like an hour after. So that could have made me sick.

I was thinking I am so glad that I have had this past week to get over all those shots and moodiness. I mean....I HATED those shots everyday. And when I was done with them I thought for sure that I would never do that again. But now I have recovered somewhat and have the strength to do it again...if need be. The only thing that makes me worry that this didn't work is because I only had one follie. So only one egg. Well, unless it splits. Which twins run in my family and DH's family. I would LOVE having twins. Then if it is difficult again to get pg I would already have 2 kiddos. And I am sure it will be hard next time too. Especially if I already have one to look out for and do all those shots...whew. I am just exhausted thinking about it.

Happy Soon to be Labor Day Wkend to Everyone!!! Hey, I just realized it is Labor day and I am testing on that day. Maybe that is another sign. I pray it is!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Running Thoughts

I was beginning to ponder my journey so far. Ya know the why's and such. I guess I was inspired by my fellow sisters in the blog world. If you don't know I have PCOS...which is polycystic ovarian syndrome. My hormones are wacky and instead of ovulating I grow some nice cysts. I didn't find this out until after a year of TTC and a LAP. And no the LAP didn't tell me about PCOS. My RE discovered it with a mere ultrasound. That still has me wondering what my OB was doing.....didn't he even notice those 15 cysts on each ovary?? I mean come on...15!!!

After my dx I realized that I had to go through this to find out about my PCOS. Ya see my bloodwork was normal, so it wouldn't have been detected any other way. And if you have PCOS and continue to eat badly and not treat it...not only do you deal with IF, but later on you could have diabetes and heart problems...and such. So it was a wake up call to start living right. Granted it is still a work in progress.

Also, recently I have realized that not only my dx of PCOS was God's plan......but also me getting closer to Him. As y'all know IF is a SEVERE emotional roller coaster that sometimes pushes you away from God. And I had my moments of that too. But as of right now I am closer to God. Kinda like I was when I was a child. You know that feeling when you were a child with childlike faith. Where you talked to God all day like he was a friend hanging with ya. There is a peace that comes with that. And peace is awesome. Even if it is in short bursts.

Well, now since I know (or at least I think I do) the why's....shouldn't I be pg?? Well that is the question, huh. I am done with everything....right?? I took all my "classes" took all my "tests" where is my diploma???? As much as I want to think I am entitled to something...I know I am not. Lucky for me I serve a God that will bless me because He loves me so dearly. But I don't want him to think that I think I deserve it. I hope I don't. I just pray that He thinks I do. That sounds better.

I have heard so many different things on what to pray for with IF.

  • Pray for His will to be done (i.e. adoption)
  • Pray to change His mind
  • Pray for a baby...simple
  • Pray for healing
  • Pray for a baby...this cycle....if.....that is His will

I am not sure what to pray for. I mean do I have to say it just right for Him to answer it. I don't think I have to. He knows my innermost intentions, so he knows that it comes from my heart. As you can tell by my blogging skills I am not talented in the words department. I have ranted enough and changed the topic a bunch...I will end on that.

8 More Days til 14 Days Post IUI.....I may test on 13 Days Post 7 more days....YIKES!!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Freak Out # 1

I lasted as long as I could before I started freaking out about...well...everything. I have tried not to look at my calendar to calculate how much more time I have before I can test....yeah that didn't last long. I think I am suppose to test 14 days after the IUI. Or is it 14 days after my trigger shot?? I don't really know. My RE always says 12 days. But that scares me. Too early means uncertainty. I went online to see if I could find some knowledge about my injections and how it all happens. I found a site with animation of what happens and it was really cool. Of course, it wasn't tailored to my specific situation so it just didn't do.

It is like I am waiting for someone to tell me what will happen. I have even considered begging for a blood pg test. But I know I can't even do that til closer to time of AF and then they have to send off the blood and by then I can POAS. So I have 8 more days to wait. And that feels like a lifetime. My entire future depends on what happens in 8 days. I will either be pg or still on my journey to pg. And those two paths are VERY different. I want to trade in my IF days for PG days. You know how you get to a point and you think....this is the last straw. I am so almost there. A point where if this doesn't work I have to just get away from it all and be FREE!!!

8 more days is a LONG time...think about is 192 hours...about 7,920 minutes!!! Way too long for someone like me to have idle time on my hands. I guess I need to come up with somethings to keep me busy this week and weekend. Okay....DH is off tomorrow so we could do something. Then I am calling all friends for support for the rest of the week...keep me occupied...PLEASE. We are going out with my sis this wkend so that is covered. Then I just have two more days to fill. I don't want to wish my life away by any means...I just want to know. I guess so I can either REJOICE or MOVE ON!!

I am sure Freak Out #'s 2, 3, 4, and 5 will be coming soon!!!
Any advice on how you made it through the tww and was still sane...let me know!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

a little about me

I am feeling much better today...a bit down and slow. But I think that is because of the weather here. It is stormy and cloudy. Not to mention the humidity. It is horrible. Like a big old dragon breathing on your neck. I talked DH into going out tonight to eat. I promised that I would cook all this week. And I intend to find some yummy/healthy recipes. I already have one for chicken fingers thanks to a fellow blogger (thank you all who hope). Some other things on my list are roast with squash and green beans. And I am trying to figure out how to make my cornbread dressing healthy. Well for me and my PCOS self. If anyone has any ideas on where to find cornbread that is wheat...if that even exists...please let me know.

Today I hung out with my sissy and nieces. Yesterday was a horrible day in the house....I was bored and felt like POO!! So I decided this morning I would get out for the day. I think it did me a lot of good. Plus getting hugs and kisses from the cutest little girls in the world didn't hurt either. They are soooo sweet. On my way home I was thinking about...of course...a baby. A baby of my very own. My own child. I just get goosebumps when I think about it. I know God will bless us with a child in His way, so I just get so excited about it. I just wish I knew when. Then I could plan so much. If it was going to be a while I would go in full gear to lose weight. I have already lost 18 lbs. I want to lose 10 more. Then I will be back to my size before the baby making adventures started. I guess I ate to console myself..and then there is that whole oh no I can't start exercising....just in case I am pg. That went on forever. So now I just take it easy after O. Then if AF shows or I get a BFN...then I just go and work out like crazy.

I miss working out. I feel like just getting on the elliptical and going for hours. But let's be honest it would really be only minutes. It is amazing how great you feel after exercising. It has been the one thing that has helped me not completely lose it after a BFN. I have struggle with depression my whole life and when we started TTC it go worse. I had just finished grad school and DH and I decided to start a family. So I would be a stay at home mommy and he would work. It seemed like it would happen so quickly, that I never thought I would have trouble. Plus my sister is like fertile myrtle. So I was hoping I was like her. I think that when I came off of my anti-depressant....I did it too quickly. My body was in shock and I felt like a train had hit me. I mean everything hurt...I had headaches daily....and I just felt like crap. I NEVER want to feel like that again. So luckily I am on an anti-depressant that is safe for when I get pg. And it is helping me.

I really had to change my way of thinking to get better. It was TOUGH. And the only way I know I did it was with God's help. I mean if you can imagine depression at its worst...that was me. And now I am totally the opposite. When I get down I turn to God for support. And I just have a different attitude in general. It is hard to explain...God works in mysterious ways. I am not sure why I needed to share that. I guess I just realized how far I have come since then.

Another week til I can test....PRAY for me!! God bless you all!!!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Rantings of an insane hungry woman

Okay how many times to I have to promise myself to eat right??? I am sooo bad!! But in my has just been so hard to eat right. All I want is the bad, chinese, baked potatoes, chips, pop tarts. I want it all. Plus when I think about eating I am a bit nauseous so the bad stuff always sounds better. I have been nauseous for years now...I am beginning to think that when I finally am not nauseous maybe I am pg. I think right now it is my metformin, but before I am not sure what it was. I just tend to always have a bit of nauseousness with me all the time. I have gotten somewhat used to it. Unless it is bad and I feel like I have to throw up.

I have realized that the reason I may have not been feeling so well lately is because of my eating habits. DH has tried to be so good, but I talk him over to the dark side every time. I talked him into going to Chinese the other day. Then of course, after I was stuffed, I felt guilty. It is like I am a mad woman when I am hungry. Like a monster....NEED FOOD NOW....FEED ME....HAVE TO EAT JUNK FOOD!!! What is up with that. I was doing so well before. You could put a plate of my favorite foods and I might piddle at a few and be full. Maybe the dr. needs to up my met.formin. I am getting tooo used to this dose... I am just kidding. I definitely don't want that. I mean of course who doesn't want to have to go to the bathroom for number 2 (and you know that can't be normal what comes out) all the time and feel sick. That sounds like a blast.

So I have been taking it easy lately. Since the IUI. I am praying that it worked. Some days I feel like it did and some days I feel like it didn't. For some reason I think that I should be able to literally feel if it worked or not. Which I know is impossible, but in my mind all the same. Now I have like maybe 9 days before I can POAS. Which I totally dread doing. I am a POASaphobic. I hate just seeing one stupid line every time. I guess you can tell today my mood isn't so great. I am a bit down in the dumps and without much needed hope. I pray that I will wake up tomorrow with a different attitude. I need to go and eat some breakfast and the poptarts that DH made before he left for work are still permeating throughout the house. So I need to eat my fiber one cereal. Must eat that...not oh so yummy poptarts. I hope I can resist. :D

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

IUI is complete!!

My IUI is complete and everything went well. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I wasn't really super nervous....just restless all night. I kept trying to keep myself calm and not stressed. Which is easier said then done...for sure. DH and I had to get up early to make the haul to "town" to the RE's office. Luckily, we left early enough...because traffic was bad.

So here is how it went down :D DH gave his "men" and we prayed over it...for God to bless it and it's journey to come. Then we waited and waited and waited. While they washed it and tested it. The RE said DH had more than enough to get the job done. We were proud...I know weird. Then the RE used a catheter and inserted the "men". He let DH push the syringe, so that was really cool that he let him in on the procedure. It didn't really hurt...just like getting a pap. Then I layed down for 10 minutes and was off. I made sure to lay down even longer on the car ride home...JUST IN CASE!! So now we are in the tww (two week wait). Which I am sure will seem like a lifetime.

I have been so blessed to have so many family members and friends praying for us and for this life we hope to conceive. I am sure God is thinking....I am getting alot of call about this family. I am sure that he is smiling to see His children loving each other so much. We are very thankful for all of those prayers and love.

So for the next two weeks...just be prepared for me to go through all kinds of emotions from hope to doubt....probably in the same day. I will analyze the procedure in my head and wonder about every pain or small feeling in my stomach...even though I know I couldn't feel anything now anyway. But all the same it will give me reassurance that there is a baby in there growing. The RE did mention the what if this doesn't work thing. And I just couldn't let myself even think that. Before I HAD to have a plan of what to do if... Now I just feel like I can't prepare for what is to come. Well, the only way I can prepare is by praying and confiding in God.

I still can't believe that we are here...and it is even harder to believe that we are here and are still making it....somewhat sane...and still trusting God. I know there are reasons beyond my capability of understanding at work. Thank you God for carrying us to this place...we aren't really sure where we are on our journey to be parents. But whether it is still the beginning....or the middle, or hopefully the end....we will continue to follow your path. In Jesus precious name...Amen!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Here and there and everywhere

Warning: I am a bit random in this blog...sorry if I switch topics so much!!

Hay pic by me :D Enjoy!

Today has been an awesome day so far. At first I was worried because DH is working all day is one of his 14 hour days. So I was bummed and a bit clueless how to pass my time. Then I called up my awesome friend and asked her to breakfast. Luckily she agreed...even though it was 10 a.m. and I was scared she had already eaten. I think she heard the desperation in my voice to get out of this stinkin house. So we rode off to get some grub and just hang out. It has really made my day so bright.

Yesterday I got the entire downstairs cleaned and I am going to work on the upstairs today. Well, it is really just the master bedroom and bathroom. Not like is much else to clean up there. Who knows I may even clean out my car today...I am on a roll.

As I was pulling back into the driveway after our breakfast feast I was like oh I am having so much fun....and I realized at that moment I had let myself forget about IF and stuff. I thought about how free I felt when I forgot about it and realized how much IF has put on me. It takes away a lot from you. You can't just go out and do things you normally would do. So today I am going to be FREE and do what I want to do.

My trigger shot wasn't so bad last night. Nothing compared to the centratide. That one HURT!!! So my follies are gearing up to release some eggs or maybe they already have...I am not sure. The one thing I have learned is that the RE doesn't fill you in on all the details unless you ask. And I tend to go stupid when I am there. So I am just imagining my future child or children are working their way down the good old fallopian tubes and awaiting the magic s.perm to make them whole. I am so psyched!!! Does anyone know the %'s on success rate of IUI in general? I know it varies for every woman. I am too scared to ask my RE my %, but maybe I will get up the nerve tomorrow.

Welp, I am off to clean some toilets, fold some clothes, and dust some furniture. I know it sounds soooo thrilling. Just another day in the life of a housewife. I know I am weird, but I LOVE it!!!

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Date Is Set

The date is set!!! IUI is scheduled for Wednesday morning. I am sooo psyched!! and nervous...and scared...and hopeful. Just a ton of emotions. I am REALLY happy that I only have to do one more shot tonight and then I am DONE!! And I have faith that I am done FOR GOOD!! The RE appt. today was, but good news is way better than bad news. My RE said everything was looking good. So tonight at 8 I will get my trigger shot and be ready for Wed.

After Wed. I am taking it easy. Maybe a bit of LIGHT housecleaning and cooking, but that is it. I am going to make sure to get all this stuff in order before the big day. I have a lot to do. Dishes, floors, dusting, wash clothes....I am tired just typing about it. I know is probably sounds weird but I enjoy my housewife duties...they are fun. Well, sometimes cleaning bites.

Oh yeah, and I told DH he couldn't shave his beard until we know if this works or not. Somehow I think that will help. I know I am crazy, but he is still not shaving his beard...just in case :D hehe
Happy Monday to everyone....I will be freaking out again tomorrow....and posting like crazy.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

So far so good!!

So I am about to do my 5th ultrasound and bloodwork appt. tomorrow. I think it is my final one to determine when we do the IUI. My RE increased my dose of follistim and added centratide to the mix. And yes I may misspell these names so please don't quote me on it :D The centratide was HORRIBLE. My first shot of it HURT a lot. Mainly because it burned and then itched. I soon realized that I was a bit allergic to it because the injection spot turned red and wept up. Of course, DH came to the rescue and gave me some medicine and cream to help with the allergic reaction. Of course, I freaked out and thought I was going to die. Luckily, I didn't and all was well. My shot today wasn't as bad as yesterday and the injection spot just turned a little red this time.

Then because my RE increased my dose of Follistim.....I ended up not having enough to get me through to Monday. So I was freaking out.....because I can't just go to the corner pharmacy and get more. This is when I just adored the medicine makers. Or atleast the medicine fillers. My nurse said they tend to put a bit more than what is labeled on the vile. And luckily...Thank God....they did. They had just enough left to finish me off.

I am definitely still emotionally challenged right now. I have noticed that things bug me more so than usual. And with takes A LOT to make me mad. Maybe not much to make me cry, but A LOT to make me mad. So needless to say I have been mad a lot more lately...due to those good ole hormones. I have decided not to do the whole...oh I feel like this is the cycle. And I refuse to plan for what if it doesn't work. I somehow think that thinking that may jinx the procedure. Yep, I will do anything that works. Even if it is superstitious.

I am looking forward to tomorrow and my RE appt. I hope for great news and a date for the IUI.

Thursday, August 14, 2008


It is not hard to obey God's rule to love thy neighbor. Especially when you have a neighbor like mine :D She came over this afternoon with her cutie pie son and gave me these GORGEOUS roses. Roses are my favorite flower. She knows about the whole IF stuff...she actually has been giving me my shots when DH is at work. So she knows this has been rough. And she is a busy woman with two kiddos...who did not have to take the time to think about me. But of course, being the sweet hearted person she is...she did think of me. And this just made my heart soar. Ya know as soon as I think I can't take anymore of these shots or feeling like she comes with a bit of encouragement. And I feel like I can continue onward in this crazy journey.

God has really blessed me with so many wonderful ppl to help me through IF. And of course, there are times when I do feel all alone and all sad, but she makes me feel like she actually understands that constant unfulfilled yearning to be a mom in my heart. Thank you soooo much sweet friend and neighbor.

So far...I will go into see my RE on Saturday for another ultrasound and bloodwork. My nurse said my bloodwork was okay, but I am not sure if she was just saying that to make me not worry or not. We will see. Hopefully all this feeling like crap is a sign of only good things to come. I am looking forward to the day that I feel more like myself.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Rollercoaster of IUI

It is really official now. I know I say that a lot, I just don't know how else to say it. I just have to list how I feel since I have been getting my shot!
  • I have a headache that won't quit and it does not help when you are house sitting for someone who is getting tile work done.
  • My emotions are sooo raw. I tend to cry at about 7 p.m. each night FOR NO REASON!! But it feels real all the same.
  • There are moments when I could literally grab someone and do some harm...and then the next I am happy and wondering what I was so mad about.
  • My ovaries feel like they have to be alive and moving. One minute I don't feel a thing and the next they are kicking.
  • Then there is this achy feeling all over my body...kinda like when you have a fever, so I keep checking my forehead for extreme heat.

But EVERY stinkin think that I am feeling I would do a million times for our future child/children. I would eat poop each day if it would make me get pg. The GREAT news is that I went to the RE this morning and did an ultrasound. He said I have two follies. One on each ovary. He said it with a smile and it made me feel good. I guess that is good, huh?? Two is better than one. So hopefully the results from my bloodwork will match up nicely to what he saw on the ultrasound and we can forward with IUI next week. Even though I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep...I am sooo excited. I just have a wonderful feeling that we are finally getting somewhere. I won't say this is going to be it, because I don't know God's plan, but I do know that we are going down God's path. I just hope that DH feels the same way. I think he does...I think he is just on an emotional rollercoaster as well. So I am going to have to remember that and take care of him too :D

I was tagged before and started to post it, I just haven't been able to finish it. Ya know with the hormones a ragin and all.

Lord, please bless my little follies and help them to grow and soon be healthy little eggs which will become the children I have dreamed of all of my life. Thank you for all of your strength and guidance you have given me, especially the peace when I needed it most. I pray that one day I can help my children the way you have helped me. Love you dearly...In Jesus Precious Name I Pray...AMEN!!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Tagged I am It

I believe in miracles tagged me :D

  1. Post the rules to your blog

  2. Write 6 random things about myself

  3. Tag 6 ppl at the end of your post and link to them

  4. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog

  5. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted
1. I don't really have any rules to my blog :D

2. Here are 6 random things about me:

  1. I have to drink from a straw. I actually carry one around with me just in case I don't have one. However, when I go over to ppl's houses that I don't really know (or if I feel like a dork pulling the straw out) I usually just tough out the cold ice on the teeth. I know I am a dork.

  2. Fall is my favorite time of the year. And now more than ever am I missing some cold weather. I love to decorate for Halloween with all those beautiful fall colors. I bought a new centerpiece today from Mich.ael's just for the fall.

  3. I LOVE being a stay at home wife. I secretly used to think to myself that all this women's rights thing has ruined my dream of being a stay at home wife. I mean don't get me wrong I am so "I am woman, hear me roar". I just wanted it all...EQUALITY and being able to stay at home with no judgement.

  4. I can clog. However, I don't do this because I look very silly. My parents signed me up when I was little and so I did it. Now my hubby likes to ask me to clog every now and is kinda embarrassing.

  5. I make a mean cornbread dressing. It is my mom's recipe and it is a bit different, but I LOVE it and so far everyone that has tried it loves it too. That actually sounds really good right now.

  6. As you can tell....I LOVE FOOD!!!! Well, let me rephrase that...I love good food. Everyone that knows me knows that as soon as I wake up I will be planning breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Sad Day

What a whirlwind has happened in my mind lately. Last night DH and I discussed IF and IUI and GOD. me set the scene. DH gets off work and we go over what we are gonna eat for supper. Lately, well a lot lately, I have been not so hungry. I am sure that the Metformin has something to do with this. Most of the time I get nauseous just thinking about what to cook, and then when I do cook I can't really eat it because I get sick watching it cook. For example, I cooked spaghetti yesterday and after cooking the meat I was grossed out. So of course I tried to eat it and couldn't. Then you add in the prominent going to the potty for #2 A LOT!!! So I am not hungry....and going to the bathroom all of the time. Those two don't add up well. Sorry I digress. So DH and I were chatting about supper and the only thing that sounded good to me was Cherr.ios, with splenda of course. It took us forever to discuss this. For some reason it always does. We are not really good at making decisions.

So it ends up getting close to the time of getting my shot. Which as soon as 7 p.m. rolls around my hands start sweating. I know I am such a baby, but I hate the idea of getting a shot. So I get the medicine out to let it get to room temperature....then it is time for the injection. Well, I realized that now I can add moodiness to my symptoms. Because I really wanted to just bawl right before the shot. I wanted to cry so much, but I held it back because I felt kinda silly. Luckily my friend came over to let me squeeze her hand while DH gave me the shot. All was over and I was glad.

Then later on that night...almost right before we headed to bed. DH asks me if I think that IUI is what God wants us to do. I was a bit distraught by this. We are on the 4th shot and I thought all along we were good. I guess of course I had thought the same thing, but really just knew that this was part of God's plan. DH asked me if I thought we had prayed enough. So we talked some more and I wanted to know completely what he was thinking and feeling..because I want us to do this together. We decided to pray on it and ask for God to give us reassurance of his plan. I think some of what made DH start worrying had to do with our earlier discussion of how IUI could produce multiples. I mean I don't know the percentages but I know it is a possibility. I assured him that my RE would make sure that he does his job and doesn't let us end up with like 10 babies or something. But I really think that might of made him start thinking. Now I know that I need to really talk more with DH because I want us to be on the same page.

Neways~ This morning as I am about to leave...I notice my little journal thing for my shots on our table and then see my pen with the medicine in it left out in a bag on the table. I freaked is suppose to be in the refrigerator. So I called DH and he is checking on if the medicine is still good or not for me. So was that the sign we wanted from God or just us being absent minded?? I honestly feel like God has sent us down the IUI path. I pray about IF and God's guidance all the time and I make sure to let God know that I trust his plan for us.

As I write this I want to cry, not because I am sad, but because of this medicine. I want to scream out and cry like a child and exclaim that I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!!! NO MORE IF!!!! Just like a child refused broccoli, I want to refuse IF. But I know that I have to get it together and be strong. This is just my moment to let go. I feel horrible for wanting to act like a child to GOD and kick and scream about my burden. I mean come on, He sent His One and Only Son to die on the cross for us and I am going to fuss about this. But the sad reality is I am, well right now. I am sure that GOD will change my mood and mind as the day progresses. He always makes everything better.

Lord, give me the strength to stop crying and get up and fight. Give DH and I clarity on your path for us and please bless all of my fellow infertility sisters. Give us all a bit a peace. Thank you so much...AMEN!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Headache City

Well, luckily the only side effect I seem to have is a PERMA-HEADACHE. And wouldn't ya know when I took some tyl.enol it got caught in my throat (or thereabouts) and gave me horrible heartburn. That was fun. Does anyone else get heartburn that burns all the way up to your head? It is awful. I told DH that when (and I am hopeful) I get pg my heartburn will end up putting me in the hospital or the loony bin.

I am a bit frustrated today and BORED...DH is at work...and my show isn't on. Well let me explain. We have and they give you one show a month to preview for free...last month was oxyg.en. So I got hooked on Tori and Now I don't have that channel anymore and I am wanting to watch my show so badly. I hate to upgrade for just one show. So that is why I am frustrated.

Maybe I was wrong...I do have some moodiness too. I feel a bit stronger about things then I used to....lately. My shots are going as good as possible..they are shots and aren't fun. I get nervous each time. It never seems to get less scary. Plus I am worried what if I am not getting all of my medicine and I am not doing my part. Then I will go in for my ultrasound and my RE will look at me like I am crazy and haven't even been taking my meds. If there is something to worry about....I will worry about it. I guess it all stems back to the fear of this whole thing not working. I don't even want to think about makes my head hurt worse....and it is pounding. So I am going to get attempt to take another tyl.enol and get some eyes closed rest. Maybe that will help. Oh I wish I could watch my Tori!!!

Friday, August 8, 2008


I just had to vent about the man I heard on the radio the other night. DH loves the a.m. stations and we ended up listening to some idiot that was mad about IUI and IVF. He started out by talking about Jon and Kate Plus 8 and how they had sextuplets and spent tons of money. Then he had a friend that spent at least $30,000 on IVF. He said that this was sad because we were being selfish by wanting a child in our own image. He basically said that we were responsible for all of the unwanted/abused/and neglected children in the world. And why wouldn't we just stop being so selfish and adopt some of these children. He took calls, but luckily for him it was busy and I couldn't get through. This outraged begin with. Then I realized he did not know what it was like to walk our path of infertility. To yearn for something that so many people take for granted. I wanted to ask him if he had kids and why he didn't just get "snipped" and not have kids but adopt. I am sure that he would think differently if he had to walk this walk. I have learned not to judge anyone else's situation unless I have been there done that. There is no way I could say "oh you should do...."

Which makes me realize even more how much infertility has made me grow as a person and a christian. Of course, after I cooled off, I felt sorry for this man. Don't get me wrong I am FOR ADOPTION. I totally believe in it and will go that route if that is what God has planned for me. I just have to go down all my paths to make sure. That is my decision and everyone varies on what they want to far as...IF treatments or straight to adoption.

The day after the shot

Update: day after the shot....I still feel like myself...well sort of. I have had this annoying headache ALL day. I think it is finally fading...only like 5 hours after I took Tylenol. I am also SUPER tired. I am sleepy like ya know after you eat a yummy lunch and want to just curl up with a blanket and catch some Zs.

I was bad as far as my diet today. Dairy Queen should just not serve me anymore. It is all their fault. I just couldn't help myself. Today was soooooo HOT. So now I feel a bit guilty for eating that mouth watering hot fudge sundae. It was a small and I didn't eat it all. I know...still bad. The good news is I weighed myself yesterday and miraculously I have lost 1 and 1/2 lbs. Maybe God knew I would bloat up from my meds so he is throwing me a bone. I really need to get serious about my diet....I am going to get hardcore. I want a baby and if my diet is at all hurting those chances then I have gotta get it under control. My plan is to bring in my family and friends. I will let them know that I am trying to do better and to call me out on any of my bad choices. Well, I will just tell a few friends and my hubby. Not the entire FAM. I need something as a reminder.

Also, I am worried about what else I can do this cycle to help out the the whole IUI. Do I need to be super relaxed....or work out hard....or eat super healthy (obviously limit carbs and what about caffeine, or fried stuff). And then my nurse said to keep up with the intercourse. Well how do I time that out. My concern is that ya know DH has to abstain for 24-48 hours before insemination. So what if I go in next week and they are like okay we are ready. And I didn't time out intercourse we can't. confused and over analyzing. I just want to do everything I can on my part. So any advice is very welcomed.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

First Shot

There it is....a glimpse into infertility. I didn't open everything for fear that I would not figure out which box it went in and then of course I might give myself the wrong meds. I am handling these meds as if they are carrying my unborn child in them. They have their own shelf in the fridge. So DH and I were kinda busy today. He worked out in the yard while I cleaned the house up on the inside. Then we went off to buy more stuff for the yard. That took ALL day. After we finally got was time for my first shot. I was totally scared and I felt a bit wooosssyyy!!

I carefully, with shaky hands, put in my medicine into the pen. The pen is this thing you put your medicine in and attach the needle to the end....dial up your dose...and shoot...literally. Then DH and I went over the directions one more time. I went into the sunroom to lay down. I was hoping to cover my face or something, but that is kinda hard when you are being injected in the stomach. There was definitely no shortage of we were good there. I pinched, he stuck, it hurt, and it was over. I can't imagine giving myself that shot. I thought I was gonna fall over afterwords. It is just the thought of oh I just got a shot. You suddenly feel like you can feel the medicine coursing through your veins like some psychedelic medicine that will make you feel crazy. I know I tend to over analyze everything....even this. So now I am an ole pro. YEAH....RIGHT!!

The only thing I can think about now is how I always thought (in the beginning stages of ttc) that if some dr. would just give me some "drugs"(aka fertility drugs...not the other drugs)...then I would just get knocked up. I was soooooooooo sure of it. Just pop a pill and I would be good and fat. Well, now I am not so sure. I know I am suppose to have hope. I have hope in God's plan. I just don't know if this working is in God's plan. It seems like finally getting here has made me a bit jaded. I am not sure how NOT to worry about this. It seems harder now to give this to God. I want to beg him relentlessly like a child begs for candy. PLEASE GOD, please let this work....PLLLLLEEEEEAAASSSEEEE!!! I will be so good for the rest of my life I promise. I have so been there done that.

I guess now is the best time I should list what I have to be thankful for...inspired by: Maybe its just me

I am thankful for:
  • My husband, he is truly my love and my best friend
  • My husband again, he loves me when I am fat, crazy, moody, sweet, or gassy :D
  • Being able to be a stay at home is awesome
  • my fur baby, my cat, Bailey
  • For being blessed by being an Aunt
  • Having the BEST family and friends EVER
  • Having the BEST neighbor/friend EVER
  • Having this blog
  • Which gives me a chance to support and meet my infertility sisters
  • Last but not least, I am thankful for God....he loves me more than I know

What are you thankful for???

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

It is official

So I made it out okay at the RE. I was nervous and of course forgot a lot of stuff I wanted to ask, but luckily the nurse gave me her numbers and told me to call anytime. I have to drive about an hour and 15 minutes to the RE's office...and sometimes with traffic it takes longer. So I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn...and I am not a morning person. I am not grouchy...just dazed. My dr. did a baseline ultrasound first to confirm no pg and he measured some stuff. Not sure what...or why...but it sounded good. Then he sent me to his nurse to go over how to inject myself. I was worried I was going to have to actually inject myself today, but thankfully I didn't have to. I got to inject some little pad thing and practice. They gave me this pen...that I hope is idiot proof, and went over the details.

It is definitely a new day in my infertility journey. There is so much more at stake Before it was just a prescription with timed intercourse. Now it is the big guns. I am concerned about how these hormones will make me feel...the nurse warned of "bitchiness" and bloating...and some headaches. Poor dh...he has to put up with me. Hey, poor me I have to feel like crap too. It is all for an awesome worthwhile cause. My plan this cycle is to:
  • worry to a good start already
  • lose weight (goal is 3 lbs)
  • exercise more
  • eat healthier
  • immerse myself in scripture

I start the shots tomorrow. I can't believe I am here. I pray this works.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Ramblings of a scared dork!!

I am scared of tomorrow and my appt. with the RE. They called today to let me know my medicine will be here tomorrow too. I have no idea what to expect. Well a little of what to expect. I want to put on a brave face and be strong, but I am such a baby at going to the dr. by myself. Especially with something this big. BUT DH is working and I didn't want to stress my mom out. She kinda freaks over things and I just told her it would be okay and it was no big deal. I hate making her worry. But I didn't want to keep it from her either.

As I was just thinking about what to type next...I thought I am going to do this alone, and then I realized that God will be with me and so I won't be alone. I have never been too great at asking for help...kinda something I struggle with. God was with me last time when they told me my FSH was low...which means not such a good/high egg supply. Then the nurse told me not to look up stuff on the internet and just call her with questions instead. I am rambling....cause I am nervous about tomorrow. Okay I can do this...I am strong...just not emotionally strong..YES I am. I can be...I will be.

(HEAD IN HANDS)...I am such a dork. A scared dork. I mean come on they are just going to do a baseline ultrasound, go over the IUI process, teach me how to give myself shots, and I guess that is all. I can do that...I can do that.

Lord please be with me tomorrow during my long travel to the RE...and at the office give me the courage to speak up, and the smarts to understand everything I am suppose to do and emotional strength. I can only do this with You beside me. Thank you so much for never leaving me and for loving me so much. In Your precious name I pray, AMEN.

Monday, August 4, 2008

AF shows....on to IUI

The old hag reared her UGLY face today. Of course after two BFN pg tests she showed. She is so rude that way. SO I have called my RE and hopefully they will call me back and set up an appt. and start this whole IUI w/ injectibles thing. This will be my first time trying IUI and I may just be stupid but I kinda thought injectibles were involved without having to say so. I mean I get the process, but not the details. Part of me knew that I would get to this point. Part of me thinks or just knows that there may be other points I may have to get to. I am terrified of graduating to each step and then getting to a point where nothing works. What if IUI doesn't work for us???

That is what scares is when what I thought was going to be the thing above all things that gives us a miracle....and that wonderful thing fails us. We can get a man on the moon...make women men...and men women...and let women who became men get pregnant. We should be able to fix all infertility. I know, God may have other adoption. And I have really considered that too. Especially since I know that none of these procedures guarantees us a child. Maybe God wants us to adopt and help out another child, another miracle.

I am getting ahead of myself. I need to just take this one day at a time and one treatment at a time and not jump to what if's. Right now the unknown scares me. I need to trust God with the unknown and have faith that He is looking out for my best interest. I was just thinking today that maybe the egg I finally released, well maybe it wasn't the best egg. So that is why it didn't work this month. I could go nuts with the why's.

As a little girl, you never think that your dream of being a mom would never come true. It never crossed my little mind. Going to the next step of IUI has made this even more real than it ever was. And I think it was pretty real before. What is more real now is that this may not happen.

Lord, help me to find hope in this sea of disappointments. Give me the strenght to carry this cross and praise you for it. I give all of this to You. In Your Holy Name I pray...AMEN

Sunday, August 3, 2008

the stages of only seeing ONE line

Still no AF....but I surely have lots of symptoms. I am moody, bloated, tired, crampy, headachy (that is a new word), and just plain BLAH!! I of course wish I was pg, ya know end up shocked that I was pg after all of my obvious symptoms. However, I know that this happening is a long shot. I feel like I am going through some of the grieving stages by Kubler-Ross. I kinda remember them from grad school....but not accurately.

So I will make up my own. I call these the stages of only seeing one line. At first when I got that ole BFN I was in disbelief. I mean I ovulated dang it....why didn't this work. So then I went into survive mode....I wrapped myself up in God. I ran to Him to put his warm arms around me and shield me from the storm in my heart. God has really comforted me and given me hope. Hope can be hard to come by in the infertility game and for the most part it is what keeps me going. I decided to Praise Him NO MATTER WHAT. And I plan to continue doing that. Well now I am in a wierd stage. Okay did I spell wierd right?? i before e....except after c....right??? Weird looks better. Okay I am off track. So my stage now is angry mixed with a bit of sadness. I know that anger comes from sadness and that is the way we express our sadness sometimes. But I am mad all the same. I am mad at I have no idea who or what. At first I thought I was mad at my body. But I don't think I am. Then I thought well I am mad at my dr. But nope, not him either. I think I am just generally MAD at the whole stinkin' situation.

I want to be a MOM....a MOM....a MOM!!!!! I just want to shout it so loudly and hope that will help me feel better. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Okay a little bit better. Well...I kinda know what stage is involves crying...a hot bath...and lots of chocolate. Then of course when AF shows I will go into Next cycle deer in headlights mode. The last stage that unfortunately could start me all over again. Whew that was a mouthful.

I am going to test again on Monday morning if AF doesn't show her ugly face and then go from there. I am glad I bought dollar store cheapos to test with. Then I don't feel guilty for spending so much dough. Monday is CD 30...should I call my RE then if it is negative and no AF...or wait til I start???

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Blessed Be HIS Name!!!

Even though I got a BFN this morning I will still praise His name. Yep, I got a BFN. It was so ugly. It is odd though, because I am not crying...yet. I am of course trying to analyze the heck out of why I am not sad yet. I am bummed..just not in the bed bawling. So here are some reasons I could not be so upset:

  • AF hasn't shown yet, so I am not out completely

  • It hasn't hit me yet

  • I have IUI with injectibles scheduled for next month

  • I know that God has that perfect child for me

  • I get to lose more weight this month

Part of me thinks I am just getting used to this. No, I don't think anyone can get used to this heartache. I know...I finally got my hope back and it is working to make me trust in God. I definately know that having all of my sisters :D of infertility out there always supporting me has helped tremendously.

I do have a worry though.....DH and I were invited to our little cousin's birthday party tonight. We are the ONLY parentless ppl there. I am scared that as soon as I arrive I will get crushed when I see all of those cute kiddos. Plus, EVERYONE in our family knows about our IF so I am sure I will get asked or at least asked in code; "So how are things going?" Will that make me lose it?? Should we go???

Okay now, if in a day or two, or a few hours from now....I post again and am hopeless and depressed...I am warning you in advance.

Another pic by me...I love sharing my photography :D

Friday, August 1, 2008

Night before testing jitters!!

I just got home with my hubby from eating out. Firehouse Subs are the BEST!! He is asleep in the living room. Poor thing has worked so much lately. And I am here thinking about the morning and will I finally get a BFP or another BFN. I honestly don't feel pg, and keep wondering if 14 dpo is too early to test. My RE told me to test it is his fault if it is too early. I bought two tests from the dollar store. I guess I am going to test again....well maybe not. I don't know really. Should I just test tomorrow and if it is the dr. and make an appt. Or should I test again on Monday??? Monday will be CD 30. I was fine today, but as soon as I came home I got all anxious. Usually I am anxious in the way that I think I am pg, but tonight I am anxious cause I don't think I am pg. I mean of course there is this iddy bitty tiny little bit of hope for a positive.

I had to get on here and just let it all out. I was hoping that would help...guess I have more to get out. Okay, so my hubby and I have a birthday party to go to tomorrow evening. It is our little cousin's birthday. I hope that a BFN doesn't make me all bummed and moody. Then I will be worse when I see all of those cute kids at the party. And there we will be...the only ones without kids. Okay...stop being negative. Gotta be positive, keep the hope. Here is my plan. Plans always comfort me. I am going to watch the Ghost Whisperer...then hit the sack. Wake up and TEST...YIKES!!

Then if it is a BFN...I am gonna blog like crazy and cry a bit. If it is a positive I will...oh my goodness...I have NO idea what I will do. I may faint. I may go into shock and not be able to move. Either way I know I will blog. Then I will call my dr. and make an appt. Okay I am ready. We will see what happens in the morning...thanks for all the thoughts, prayers, crossing toes and fingers...and love from all of you.

One Word

Tagged by SAWH.

Rules: Answer each question with one word and tag four others to play.

1. Where is your cell phone? charging

2. Your significant other? DH
3. Your hair? medium

4. Your mother? Love
5. Your father? Tough

6. Your favorite thing? Chocolate
7. Your dream last night? Forgot

8. Your favorite drink? Tea

9. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
10. The room you're in? Office

11. Your hobby? Photography

12. Your fear? Childlessness
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mother

14. What you're not? Rude

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. One of your wish list items? paint

17. Where you grew up? South
18. The last thing you did? typed

19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite Gadget? ipod

21. Your pet? cat

22. Your computer? healthy

23. Your mood? varies

24. Missing someone? DH

25. Your car? New

26. Something you are not wearing. shoes

27. Favorite Store? GAP

28. Like someone? Yes
29. Your favorite color? green

30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? today

Tagged: I Believe in Miracles, Nichole, Jill, and My grasp at sanity

My Sister, My Hero, My Nieces, My Hope!!!!

Everytime I am around my nieces I get a glimpse at what being a mother would be like. It maybe that fact that they both have little pieces of me in them that I see every now and then or the close bond I feel with them both. I cherish that fact that I can tell them each a million times in a visit that I love them. I don't want them to EVER wonder if their Aunt loved them. I want them to know for a fact. I can imagine the push over mom I will be because when I look into their blue and green eyes I melt. IT is what I imagine motherhood is like. You are so proud of these little girls for everything that they do.

So yesterday I got to spend the day with my neecy poos and my sister. My sister and I have always been more like twins than sisters born seven years apart. She always took me under her wing and for no reason at all would take me everywhere with her. I was probably not the best accessory for a teenager when I was only 9, but she loved me all the same. And never let anyone mess with me...well other than her. She was allowed to :D I am realizing that because I see so much of myself and the woman/mother I want to be in my sister....that is obviously why I feel so much of a bond with my neecy poos. I mean my sis and I look just alike and talk and laugh just alike. So it makes me proud to hope that I am kind of a second mom to those girls. Never their mom, but I am happy with second place :D

After all these years my sister has given me so many wonderful memories and sage advice. BUT the best gift she has ever given me is my nieces. Throughout my infertility...those girls give me hope and so much love. And seeing my sister as MOM is so awesome. I get to see me in the future with my children. And trust me I can only hope to be as great of a mom as my sissy is. I love you soooo much Terri :D

Hope I made you cry...hehe