Thursday, July 31, 2008

Thanks Ladies!!!!

I have NEVER felt so much support in my life. And this is the time I truely need it all. I am so blessed to have met you all on here.

Pic by Me! A rose from my garden :D

Thanks to SAHW, All You Who Hope, Heather, I Believe in Miracles, and Nichole. Y'all gave me so much encouragement about my diet and have helped me see this as a day to day struggle. If I fall off of the wagon so to speak then I have tomorrow to get back on :D It is amazing how many females struggle with eating disorders. One of my best friends suffered from anorexia. She is now a counselor helping other girls with eating disorders. In today's society it is drilled in our heads to be super thin and starve. And I am not saying that I have an eating disorder...I love to eat. I just get mad at myself when I eat junk and I know I am not suppose to with PCOS. But in a little way I am sure all of us have issues with food. I definately use it to comfort myself.

In grad school I wrote a paper on eating disorders but with a different twist. In my paper I found a quote about Barbie Dolls. A standard Barbie doll is 11.5 inches tall, giving a height of 5 feet 9 inches at 1/6 scale. Barbie's vital statistics have been estimated at 36 inches (chest), 18 inches (waist) and 33 inches (hips). According to research by the University Central Hospital in Helinski and Finch, she would lack the 17 to 22 percent body fat required for a woman to menstruate.

That is crazy, the article goes on to say that one Barbie Doll came with a scale that read 110 lbs. And she was 5'9" tall. CRAZY.....I know.

Okay tomorrow is 13 DPO!!!! I am waiting until Friday afternoon to buy pg tests. So I won't test early. I am telling myself that if it is negative, then next month and IUI w/ injectibles will do the trick. Plus if I am not PG I am hitting the eliptical hard and losing some more weight. I have lost 16 lbs since January. I am taking my time, Slowly but surely :D THANKS again for all the support.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sometimes I should just NOT search the net for answers!!!

My hubby and were talking about PCOS. Lately I have been off the diet...but not overboard. Well atleast I don't think I am. My dh said that what if this effects getting pg next month if it doesn't happen this month. Of course, I had no answer. I am sure it will have some effect. I am more so concerned with having PCOS and being PG. I know that having PCOS messes with your hormones and yadda yadda yadda. Which is important because if you are pg...your hormones are an important part of keeping the baby and helping the baby be healthy. My sister miscarried and had to take progesterone with my niece. So now I feel HORRIBLE. Here I am praying and hoping that this is the month I get to become a mom and I am off eating crap and probably making things worse.

I just got so sick of what I was eating and lost it. I am not very strong when it comes to eating. I want something good and fast and that usually entails junk. So far my biggest splurges have been just once a day. I know that is once too many. I feel like I am already a bad mother....what is wrong with me. How could I be so stupid. I have to do better. I somehow told myself that a biscuit for breakfast would be okay. It is ironic that my problem is PCOS. My food habits are the hardest thing to change. I am going to work on it though and try not to beat myself up too much about it. I checked online to see if I could quickly find anything about pcos. Ya know if slipping up a few times would do anything to the baby. Of course all I found was what usually comes with PCOS and PG...miscarriage, hypertension, etc. PCOS SUCKS!!!!!

I know God knows what he is doing and that this cross is here for a reason. I just have to keep telling myself that. I am scared though, of ya know, when or if I get a BFN on saturday. I worry each time if that will be the time to push me over the limit. I pray that it won't be and that I can be strong. Only y'all understand this heartache.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Tomorrow is 11DPO

Tomorrow will be 11 DPO!!!! The days are going by so slow, but I don't want to wish away my life...although a few days wouldn't hurt. I have been cramping a lot tonight, but I think it was because I ate some peach cobbler with lunch. It was soooo yummy. That sugar tasted REALLY sweet. I guess I am not used to real sugar anymore. It was my splurge for the week.

I have noticed that ever since I am on my metformin...I am either sick and don't want to eat or all of a sudden I am starving and must eat right away. Then after I eat a little I am done. That is the total opposite of me...I live for food.

Neways~ We will see on Saturday if me ovulating this month actually did the trick. Well the RE said to test 12 or 14 days after I got my surge. I am a bit scared of poas!! I just dread the BFN. Which is usually what I see. I am going to test on Saturday...that will be 14 days after my surge. If I get a BFN I will just call my RE...for next month we have planned for IUI with infectibles. So there, I have a plan...that should make me feel better. And it does a little. I am going to be hopeful and not let Satan take any of my hope. I am taking back my hope and keeping it!!! And if it doesn't happen, then I will give myself time to cry and jump right back on this rollercoaster ride of infertility for many more rounds ;D

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Sunday Message at Church

At church this morning my pastor preached on guarding your heart. Based on the scripture:

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23 (New International Version)

He said we can do this by two ways. The first way is by surrounding ourselves with loved ones. Because loved ones encourage us when we are down and help keep our hope alive. He said that God wants us to be hopeful, but Satan yearns to steal our hope and harden our hearts. An example he gave one of his best friends would talk with him about everything. Usually in their conversations his friend would say " so how are you and God doing lately?" The pastor said sometimes he had to come clean and say "ya know I haven't been spending much time with God and need to work on that." That is what our loved ones can do to help guard our hearts.

The second way to guard your heart is through prayer. He said that even Jesus needed time away to pray to God and renew his heart. While Jesus was in a city healing and preaching he was being bombarded by tons of people. Well he disappeared one day to go be alone and pray to God. So I guess when we are being bombarded with all of the worldly things we should take time our and talk to God to help guard our hearts.

In my opinion the best asset we have is our hearts. Think about how we rely on each other so much for comfort, especially through the struggles of infertility. There are so many times that we get our hopes up and then feel like they came crashing down. I know it is hard to keep that hope alive after so many disappointments. BUT we have to!! And we all know that having our famly and friends helps us out..... and talking to God keeps us going.

Hopelessness is a battle I struggle with daily. I told myself many times before I heard this message that I shouldn't get my hopes up. Just in case they came crashing down, but now I know I must keep my hope. It is the fire that keeps me keepin on :D

So even though I feel like POO (headache, nausea, sleepy, achy) I am going to smile. It maybe a short smile followed by a LONG nap, but a smile none the less.

I pray for God to guard all of your hearts thoroughly and keep your hope burning strong. GOD BLESS MY FELLOW SISTERS...LOVE Y'ALL!!!!

Butterfly Pic by me :D I love taking pics!!!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I am bummed today!!!

So I totally feel like he looks. I have perma-frown. And that cloud is hovering over me making it worse. I am not sure why, but I am BUMMED today. I just feel so sad and don't know why. All I want to do is wrap up in my bed and sleep. It is weird because earlier I was fine. Then out of nowhere....bummed. Hit by the Bum bug. Okay that sounds gross. Neways, you know when you feel like no one loves you and you are all alone. I mean I know that is not true, but that is how I feel. I am an eeyore today....ahhhh bother!!! I hope I wake up tomorrow with perma-grin and not perma-frown. Hey maybe this means I am pg. No probably I don't know. **SIGH**

CD 21 Freak Out...Last Night Hang out...and a Recipe!! OH MY!!!

I really shouldn't get my hopes up just b/c I ovulated. But I do anyway. I have been daydreaming about being a mom a lot lately. I used to stop myself from doing that because it was just sad. Now I feel like I may have the actual chance to be a mom. Wow...I guess that is where all my hope is coming from. I am on CD 21, it is 7 DPO!!! I have one more week and I MIGHT test. What the heck...I am soo going to the dollar store and testing like crazy. Although I do fear the dreaded POAS!! But I always somehow end up buying the pg I know I will do it. I just hope I can hold out a LONG time before I buy one...cause then I might take it too early and then that horrible ugly BFN will show.

Oh I hope it doesn't show....oh I pray....I plead. I know, I know it will happen when it is suppose to. Now I feel like I am arguing with myself. I wish I could just let go. Whatever the heck that means. My RE told me : " when you get a positive call us and we can confirm the pregnancy" I was in utter shock from ovulating, so I didn't ask well what if I get BIG FAT NEGATIVE. I guess he was being positive and trying to make me positive. Yes I have a background in counseling so that is why I am analyzing every stupid thing. I was trained to do so :D Unfortunately!!!

On a lighter note: I met up with an old highschool friend last night and went out for some dinner. We had fun catching up and gossiping. I couldn't help myself. Our class reunion is coming up. Yeah, I don't know if I will go. Part of me wants to go and see everyone and the other part of me says DON'T finally made it out of that...why go back. I guess everyone is insecure about those things. I will definately have to booze it up that night. Hopefully I will be pg by then and won't even worry with it. Oh yeah I saw this YUMMY looking recipe on the food network. It was a healthy way to cook chicken parmesan....and it looked so good. I am going to try it out and hope it is good. I have tried so many ways to cook chicken (healthy) and can't find any recipe that is yummy. Here is the link to it if ya wanna try it too :D Enjoy....,1977,FOOD_9936_197953,00.html

Friday, July 25, 2008

Note to SELF!!

I need to write this to myself to remind myself not to eat bad stuff anymore. Let me give you my menu for the past couple of days: includes pizza, hardee's biscuits, rice, chocolate pudding, and yes a frosty. I said it a stinkin frosty. Well NOW I know why I shouldn't eat those foods....not to get too technical and a bit gross. It made my stomach upset. To put it midly :O So To myself...from myself...Don't do that again you idiot!!!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Thanks SOOO Much Y'all!!

I just got on my blog and saw all the awesome comments I got. I thought WOW this thing is way more therapuetic than I even imagined!! Thanks to all of you that commented and made me feel sooo very welcome :D I am still learning how to work this whole blog thing. And since practice makes I go again :D

I am on CD 19 and in the dreaded 1ww now. Well plus a few days. My mind is of course playing tricks with I am trying not to even think about it. Yeah right...everytime I feel the smallest gas pain..I am like ohhhh implantation. I know I need a life. On the bright side my increased dosage of metformin hasn't made me have all day sickness...minus the miracle at the end. I am actually hungrier now...or I am having CARB withdrawals. I have been so bad lately. With PCOS as so many of you know....I try to avoid carbs and such. But I can't help it if the carbs keep coming over uninvited. All I want to eat is pizza, rice, pasta, and of course anything sweet. I would love a HUGE bowl of icecream right now. However, my hubby has been supportive and tried to remind me not to eat all that wonderful stuff.

How do y'all do it, and what the heck do ya eat??? I miss my comfort foods soooo much. Plus I am so not good at any kind of diet, but I know I need to be. For example, the other day I decided to eat super healthy. Apparently my nurse said I was going into sugar shock or lack thereof...there is a technical term for it, but my tired/hungry brain can't think what it is. Well, I was getting very dizzy and a bit confused. My nurse told me to drink a glass of OJ, so I did and then my parents brought me over some yummy comfort food and I felt much better. Do any of my fellow pcosers know what or atleast how much of those yummy comfort foods I can have?? You know like: rice, pasta, pizza, potatoes, icecream, and much much more :D

What would YOU do???

I am not believing what just happened to me this past weekend. I felt like I was actually watching a movie or atleast was in one. Let me give some background first. One of my friends and I have both been ttc. Well I haven't talked to her in a while. The last time I talked to her we were gabbing about how we couldn't figure out why we couldn't get knocked up. Neways...I go into the local eatery in town and low and behold I am starring at her growing belly and gasping for air.

There she was 20 weeks....yes 20 flippin weeks preggers and I am clueless. I think shock was read all over my face, but I put a huge smile over my pain. I feel bad for saying that it hurt me. I mean I sat down to eat and started that how you spell it...just sound it out. I couldn't believe that she hadn't called and told me....then it occured to me that she may have been hiding it...and that hurt even worse. I now know that things weren't looking so good in the early stages of pg and so they were not sure if they were going to miscarry or not. I understand that...BUT I NEVER want to be surprised like that EVER again.

The rest of the day I was so bummed. I couldn't really explain specifically why I was bummed,,,,I didn't feel like I was upset because I was not pg yet...I understood why she hadn't told me...I was just sad. I curled up in my bed with my ipod set to repeat the country song HOME and cried and slept.

So pg friend is on bedrest and wants me to come over and sit with her. I just don't know if I can. I don't want to be rude, but I just know it will get me bummed again. What should I do???? Am I horrible for being upset??? I am happy for them...just sad for us!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Hello Blog World...Here I Come!!!

I was searching the web for my fellow soldiers in the infertility war and found so many blogging about their experience. It inspired me to do the same and tell my story.... even if no one reads it...just for my own therapy. So here goes :D

I went to my RE yesterday and found out that I actually ovulated!!! I was in shock. He used the term beautiful corpus luteum...and I was like what does that mean. So of course instead of just asking...cause I was in shock, remember. I came home and googled the heck out of it. I finally found that it was defined as :
Corpus Luteum – After a woman ovulates, the fluid filled sac in which the egg matures (the follicle) becomes the corpus luteum. It continues to produce androgen, estrogen and progesterone, hormones that prepare the uterine lining to accept and nurture the fertilized egg.

Okay so now I get it...he didn't actually see the egg, just the corpus luteum and that showed him that I ovulated...I guess I am slow :D

Neways~ Now I am worried...of course, but soooo happy that I finally ovulated!!