Monday, December 29, 2008

What I have learned in 2008

Christmas is over and the new year is already here. Another year has passed..wow..it seemed so slow sometimes, but now that I look back it went really fast. Momma told me that when I got older time would fly. I guess that is good for an impatient girl like me, huh?

I figured out a few things this year and would like to share some :D The biggest thing I figured out is that relaxing and not thinking about ttc does not equal a pregnancy. I knew this was the case all along, but I finally got to prove my theory. Last month I didn't even now what cd I was on and I honestly didn't care. I took HOT baths, worked out when I wanted, and didn't time "fun" anymore. And here I am not pregnant. So there...when ppl tell you that tell them that there was this study called Just Relax...and the results showed that relaxing does not work. Then maybe I can help them get off of your backs...since I have had no such luck with some ppl in my life.

Okay onto the second revelation. Shopping can help when AF comes. I have found that when I find out that there will be no baby that month...shopping helps me just endulge for a little bit on myself and then I can pamper me for a change. You know you need it. You have spent all month stressing...giving yourself shots, hormonal, crying, avoiding all the fun stuff, and by golly you deserve a shopping trip.

Then I learned something about myself. It may contradict somethings I have written in the past..but oh well. I actually like staying at home. Being a housewife suites me. I enjoy my freedom and not having a boss. I'm not the best at it. For so long I would beat myself up about it. Like I wasn't living out my womanly duties to get a job and be independent. Then there was the dreaded sigh when I told ppl what I did..that was hard to do. I began to explain my life history to strangers just so they would understand why I decided to "just" be a housewife. Now I am proud of it. I feel VERY blessed that I am able to be at home.

Even though I have all this new found knowledge...I am still sitting here trying to decide if I am making the right decisions in my life. Well, I want to make the ones that lead to a baby. And I am constantly wondering if I should do this or that. Right now I am wondering if I should make sure my tubes are clear once again. Also, I am debating getting acupuncture. I guess it couldn't hurt :D

Friday, December 19, 2008

Merry Christmas With Love!!!

Merry Christmas Y'all!!!!
I really cannot believe that next week is Christmas. Usually I say that time flies, but it truly has this time. It was like hey Thanksgiving....then all of a sudden there was no time left before Christmas. Luckily I am pretty much done with shopping. I just need to get two more gifts and I am done. I have sent all of my Christmas cards out...well there were some that I couldn't get an address...so they will get one next year.
Lately I have just been trying to get this house clean. I decided to go through my closet and get it organized. I organize a bit different then most people. I decided to take EVERYTHING out of my closet. Then I went through it all and ended up bagging three trash bags full of clothes I am going to donate. I also went through my shoes...I had shoes from high school!!! So I had to bag them up for donation. It was hard to part with some stuff, but Todd helped me just give it up. So now my closet actually has a floor and order to it. I am super proud...I will post some pics on the next post :D.
As for my cycle...I have NO idea where I am at. I didn't write down when AF showed before and so now I have no idea what day I am on. My one major concern is that I will be at a Christmas party and get AF. I have always been the type of person to know when to expect AF and to be prepared. I feel free this month. I am however, hoping to not see AF.
I just have to keep telling myself that I promised to give myself a few months. A few months of freedom from disappointment. I just can't believe I will have another Christmas and not be a mom. I really can't let myself think about that too much or I will get disappointed. I know it will be hard when I see my nieces and nephews on Christmas and wish I had some kiddos of my own.
To all of my SISTERS out there...Merry Christmas.....even if this is a sad time and a hard reminder of how long we all have been ttc. We have to remember the reason for the season. Jesus Christ!! I love you all and hope the new year gives us the gift we all have been praying for :D

Monday, December 8, 2008

Merry Christmas To All!!

Here are some of our pics that we took for our Christmas card :D


Being silly



The family :D



Just us!


I have to admit it is so much better this year. Mainly b/c I have lost weight and feel comfortable sending out pics of myself. Todd and I have decided that we are taking a trip to NYC. Then doing IVF in June. We may change our minds, but as of right now we are psyched. I am going to give myself those 6 or so months and just do what I want...well like taking hot baths and such. We are so still going to try. And I am sure that I will not take as many hot baths as I am planning on taking. I have lived my life for the past 2 years in waiting. Always waiting, never doing. And so I am gonna make up for it. I am pumped. I hope I can stay pumped. But I am sure there will be days when I am cursing myself for trying to be so positive.

MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!!!!!!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Fakin It!

Thanks so much to everyone that gave me advice on the trip vs. IVF. We are still trying to figure out what we are going to do. I have started trying to get myself back together. I am going to be in a wedding in January...so I am going back to the gym and busting my hump. I am very soar today, so I know I am doing something right. Plus it really helps me get my aggression out. So the plan is to look awesome for the wedding and reap some of the benefits of PCOS...metformin...and a diet from heck!!

I still feel like I am having an early mid-life crisis, but I am planning to just go with it and hope it passes soon. I hate feeling the urge to change who I am. I really want to love who I am. So I am working on that....which is easier said then done. I really do have so much to be thankful for and I am sure if I was on the other side of the grass...this patch of grass would look greener.

One recent thing I am struggling with has been trying to convince myself that I don't want to be a mother. The other day I was driving home and thought maybe I wouldn't be a good mom. Or maybe I wouldn't be able to handle it. Everyone keeps saying how EVERYTHING changes...and they make it sound like it is horrible. Of course, I know exactly why I am doing this. I am trying to protect myself from getting hurt. You know, oh well, I didn't want that anyway..so who cares kinda attitude. Except it is so fake. Sometimes I think that God thinks I shouldn't be a mom either. I know silly, but I do think it. Sometimes you can't help but try to figure out why.

So that is the latest with me...this wkend is my niece's b-day party...so that will be a bit of a challenge. We will be the only couple without kiddos. Then I am going to wrap myself up in helping my friend plan her wedding. I hope everyone has a wonderful wkend.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What Would You Do???

I am feeling pretty bummed lately...and I have a feeling it is going around. It could be the recent holidays....and soon to be holidays. Thanksgiving was a blur to me. I kinda zoned out because I didn't want to feel the pain of not having a child...yet again. I just kept thinking where have I ended up. I started to have a mid-life crisis...and yes I am nowhere near the age to be having one. But ya know it makes sense. I am desperately trying to get pg and it never happens...so month after month after month I get my hopes up and then they come crashing down. Each time tearing more of my heart to pieces.

So I can see why I don't want to be myself anymore, ya know? I have had these ideas of dying my hair dark red (it is currently black), or taking a trip to New York with Todd. Which I will get to in a minute or another post. I find myself loving getting lost in movies and not having to deal with my world. I feel like I have lost the joy I had when I was so close to God and now instead I have tried to replace it with objects. New cell phone...etc!! Which of course only makes you happy for a while.

I am just soooo TICKED at INFERTILITY. IF can suck it.....excuse my language, but I am so angry and in so much pain. It is like I am screaming to get out of this, but I can't. I want a child...I want to get pregnant. I want all of this, but this road is tearing me apart. I ask God how much longer....or to give me a sign...or some hope. I haven't heard back yet. I am scared that I am going to keep going down this road and lose myself. Or maybe I already have.

I mean come on...I stay at home for a living. I don't have a job. I don't have any children to take care of. I am a LOSER!! I don't even have any good hobbies. I know I am blessed with such a wonderful husband who loves me so much...and I am very grateful for him. I know I shouldn't be complaining, because I don't have to work and I am blessed to stay at home. I could have a job that I hate and can't leave because of finances. I know, I know...but I am in a debbie downer mood.

Sorry this is sooo long, but I have a lot to say. The latest midlife crisis idea is for Todd and I to go to New York in March for our vacation this year. The problem is that we had planned to do IVF in Feb. So if we are planning on doing that we can't exactly afford both. Then there is the crazy chance that I would get pg from IVF...then I am not sure if we could go on the trip. I don't know about flying and being pg and if there are any rules. One option we thought of was to go to NY and then do the IVF in June after we get our taxes back. I just want to do something crazy and unlike me. Todd and I never get to do anything crazy like go to NY, because we are always thinking baby or going places with our families. We aren't like our other friends...well before they had a baby. They would go everywhere and really experience the world. Remember I am having a midlife crisis here. Luckily I don't have the urge to get a sports car...hehe Well, I found some humor in it all.

Neways...what would you do if you were in my shoes...seriously. Would you run off to NY, dye your hair, and then come back to reality in June with IVF???? Or just go with the original plan and pray it works?????

*************************************************************************************

Oh yeah, and by the way I changed my name on my blog to One step at a time.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hot baths here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have officially LOST it!! AF showed and so of course...DUH...I am not pg, right? Well, I haven't been feeling well lately. Moody, nauseous, bloated, achy, headaches, etc. And AF is over...so I knew the symptoms weren't due to that witch! Then last night I had the WORST heartburn ever. And I didn't eat anything that would have given me heartburn. Or at least that is what I told myself. SO today I bought some pg tests at the grocery store and actually took the stupid test. I was hoping that it was positive. And you all know it was negative.

Have I lost my mind??? I think I might be losing it slowly. I guess this "break" we are on is more stressful than doing the shots and the constant RE visits. I have really put so much into this break working and us not having to do IVF. You always hear stories of how couples get pg when they are on a break, and leave it to me to make it stressful. So you know what. I forgot to put down when I started....and I don't plan to count the days and figure it out. I am going to let myself be clueless this month and if it happens..it happens. I am going to go to the gym and take my classes and kick butt, without an ounce of worry of getting pg. I am going to eat what I want....in moderation of course. And if I feel like taking a HOT bath. Darn it I AM!!!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thankful!

Thank you all for your super sweet supportive comments!!! Try not to say that three times fast....super sweet supportive..hehe I am trying to be in a better mood. I have decided that I am not going to make my house spotless for our company this wkend. I just really don't feel like cleaning. And I am going to do my best to enjoy all the plans for the wkend. Then on Monday I am going to give myself permission to just completely fall apart and grieve. Hopefully, I won't have to. There is just something about starting a new cycle. I just feel blessed that I can start a new cycle and try again. There were a few times where stupid AF didn't show and wouldn't even let me start over. That was HORRIBLE!! And anyone out there experiencing that...I am sooooo soooo sorry.

Not that you would want to know, but AF is kickin my hiney this month. I am cramping like crazy. I would expect to birth a child after all of this pain. Not to mention the crabbiness, complete exhaustion, and the need to eat EVERYTHING in sight. Just some advice, Do not go shopping after you get AF. I decided to buy everything I have not allowed myself to eat. My favorites were cocoa pebbles and chips with ranch dip. It made me feel good to say JUST SCREW IF...I am eating whatever the heck I want. In her face...hehe. Oh I could go and take a LONG nap right now....I am so tired. And it is freezing outside. So wrapping up in some warm blankets sounds very nice.

Oh yeah, my whole point for this post was to post some things I am thankful for...sorry I got sidetracked.

I am thankful for sooo much:
1. All of you!!! I wouldn't even be this sane without all of my sisters :D
2. My hubby and furbaby Maggie, They are my sweet little family. And lastnight Todd wrapped his arms around me and Maggie snuggled in with us. It was the best feeling.
3. For Twilight the movie....and the book series. It has helped me take my mind of off IF. And have something to look forward to.
4. My friends...for putting up with my moods and the ups and downs of IF.
5. For Christmas songs. Especially the radio station here that plays nothing but Christmas music...it has helped my mood A LOT!!!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Stupid AF shows

I wish I was able to write that I was pregnant and so surprised and happy. However, that is not the case. I should really be a fortune teller because I am usually right when it comes to whether or not AF will show. She always shows...why would I doubt that now?? I really just want to get away from everything right now. I want to pull the covers over me and just be. I don't want to pretend things are going to be okay. Because right now they are not. Why would I believe that my body was acting normal. It never does. I am so angry with myself. I am angry with this stupid body that doesn't work right. I don't want to be strong anymore...I just want to fall to pieces.

I hate this because I am not the kind of person that can put my feelings on others. I just hide them...very well. So I would just rather not be around anyone so I don't have to hide. And of course, the next few days are super busy. With 3 birthday parties, going to the movies with friends, going to welcome a new baby.........So I can't exactly disappear.

Lord, what is it I am suppose to learn. What am I suppose to change. Please give me some grace. I really can't take much more of these disappointments. Please heal my broken heart. Thank you for watching over me and thank you for never letting me go :D In Jesus name I pray Amen!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Intuition admitted

It has been one of those days. Waiting for disappointment and hoping for a surprise. I feel like I know a bomb is about to go off...I just don't know when. I definitely know where though...right in my heart. I know y'all have seen the promos for J & K + 8. Aren't they the best. I love how Kate looks into Jon's eyes and you can tell they are thinking we made it through it all. Their struggle is a bit different from mine in that they ended up with 8 kiddos. It was SUPER tough for them and couples get divorced over much less, but they have stayed together and in love. I want to look into Todd's(DH) eyes and think we made it. We made it through IF!!

So today I am just waiting to see how much closer or farther away that day may be for me. I am soooo ready to get a happy ending to this all. I feel guilty even asking for one, because I have been so blessed in the love department. I have an awesome husband and he truly is my soul mate in every way. So maybe I shouldn't push my luck :D

This month is especially special (tongue twister) for me. Well, it is the month Todd and I were born in....the month of my parent's wedding anniversary, and the month I truly thought we would conceive in. It was just one of those intuition or maybe wishful thinking things. I guess that is why I am so crazed right now. CD 30 is today and soon I will know my fate. I have always been right when it comes to my intuition, so I just don't want to lose that too. You lose so much with IF...and of course gain many things too...like strength and some pretty awesome sisters (YOU)!!! Look at me it is so hard for me to just say something bad without saying some nice. My stupid head has always done that to me, I try so hard to be thankful for what I do have. I know it doesn't exactly sound like I do. And of course this would be the month to be thankful in.

Which reminds me....thanksgiving was always that date I would tell myself...Dana you will so be pg by thanksgiving. But so far not such luck. I have since then stopped picking dates because I know how disappointing it is when they come and you know. Well, so that is why I am so scared of this month. I didn't mean to pick it, but I did. Bad habits die hard. So here's to the next crazy days of wondering and being scared. Here's to hoping that I haven't lost my intuition along with my fertility!!! Here's to love and happily ever after...whatever that may entail :D


Friday, November 14, 2008

Hangin Tough!!

I was hesitating even writing this post because I know that in a few days I am going to be writing a post that says that AF showed...so I really shouldn't be doing all this hoping and such. The heck with that....

A few things have happened lately...and dad if you are reading this....just skip this post....it has a lot of girly things in it...okay :D On my CD 22 I spotted. You know only noticed it after a potty break...like twice...then it was gone. I actually thought oh great stupid cycle all messed up again...but it disappeared. You know that got me hoping. Then on CD 24 I thought I noticed a darkening of the girls. You know what I mean...I am so silly I can't even type it..hehe But I think maybe I am either going nuts or something was up with my circulation at that moment...cause they look normal to me now. Also, I have been pretty yucky feeling lately. But I always feel that way before AF shows.

So I am ticked at my body. Stupid body trying to make me be hopeful so my hopes can come crashing down on me. Today is CD 25 and only God knows when I will start. It could be 28, 30, 32, or even longer. My body just likes to mess with me. So even though I know WAY better...I have been looking up pg symptoms. And I already know them by heart...I know the drill....what is wrong with me????

On a much lighter note. I went to see NKOTB a few weeks ago and just had to share :D Enjoy!! The concert was a BLAST!!!!!


Monday, November 10, 2008

wzup with me

I guess to say I have been avoiding everything ttc is an understatement. Well really I have avoided letting myself really sit down and type out how I have been feeling and process everything thus far. Right now we are taking a break and doing it old school. Well plus the metformin. But other than that...oh and opks...we are just winging it :D

Which sounded easy, but of course I should have known better. I think I got a positive OPK....I can never be sure of myself reading those stupid lines. Neways...a day after that I get this HORRIBLE UTI!!!! I mean I was in some pain. Like an idiot I took some AZO meds and some ibuprofen and thought it went away. I didn't realize that would only dull the pain and not touch the infection. By the time I realized that it was Sunday...so I had to wait til today to go see my dr. It all worked out in the end, he wrote me a rx and I am on my way to healing. BUT we lost so much valuable time...so there is no way I am banking on this month being the month I get knocked up.

So that just plain SUCKS!!!! And I find myself noticing stuff more often these days. For instance, as I was leaving the grocery store today I noticed all the kids toys lined up in the front of the store on display...they were all just screaming SEE WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE....HAHAHAHA!!!! Then I leave and there is this cute couple with two kiddos and I think darn it Dana snap out of this spiral of negativity. Somedays are just like that though!!

On a lighter more pleasant note. I have been reading, well really more like addicted to, this book..you might of heard of it. Twilight!!!! IT is AWESOME. I am on the third book and can't wait til Nov. 21 to see the movie. If you haven't read it, TRUST ME, YOU WILL LOVE IT!!! Just try to put it down :D Enough said.

Sending all you, my sistas, some love and hugs!!!!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

THIS IS ME!!!

It is about time to put a face to my blog!! I just feel that it is time for me to just be me and not care anymore what others think.

This is me!!!!! Dana!!!



Wow that was liberating!!!!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

SAD

I am feeling very sad and vulnerable lately. Mainly just not really sure what to say when someone says hey, what's wrong? There really aren't any words to explain what it feels like to be infertile. I am sad in a way that is so deep in my soul. It just aches constantly and I wonder if it will ever stop. I am trying so hard to chin up and be brave and trust in God's plan, but I feel like at any moment I could just fall to pieces. I keep telling myself to put God first and not think about myself, but my stupid heart is breaking and I can't help but notice it. Then I feel like a bad christian because I am putting myself before God. I am so confused on that issue....but that will be a later post.

Someone told me today that I can't expect to be a good little christian and then God will answer my prayers and I totally know that. I am just trying to be lean on God and focus on Him. Ya know that song...You give and take away...blessed be the name of the Lord. Well, that is my motto. Even though I may not be getting what I want I still Love God and trust God and praise Him. Then another person told me that I may just need to start working again and get my mind off of all of this. Basically to just relax. I know she means well, and yes I have told her not to say that to me because it is hurtful. But she still does and I honestly don't think she means to hurt me, but it does. It just makes me want to throw my hands in the air and scream. I mean if it was that easy I would have been pg A LONG TIME AGO!!!

There are so many pg woman at church....everywhere. And I am not mad at them, but sad for me. It makes me just want to stay inside, because it seems like everything triggers thoughts about baby in my head. And yes I put on such a big front and try to be strong, but I am not strong. One of my dearest friends and I are going to a concert this week and my friend mentioned visiting someone on the way to the concert. This person is her friend that is having a baby and will be in the hospital either about to give birth or will have already given birth. She told me we don't have to go, but I insisted that we go. And I really want to go and see that cute little baby. I really genuinely do, but part of me is scared that I will lose it and be bummed. I don't want to look at a baby and get sad, I want to just have joy when I see those little tykes.

I have been contemplating seeing a counselor. Because I am a counselor, well was one anyway. I know I should see someone. I just can't help myself right now. I know my feelings are normal...right? Life seems so different when you think you may not have a child in it one day. Everything seems different. Nothing like I had planned of course.

Even the smallest conversation....today in Sunday school, I asked if the church does something for Halloween...and they said of course, and then proceeded to explain to me how I would feel so much safer if I took my kids to their trunk or treat at church. Well, I don't have kids. I just wanted to help out....but there you go I just felt an arrow through the heart. Am I being over dramatic...I really feel this way. I will be so glad when this horrible mood changes. Sorry if I bummed everyone out!!!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Do I mean what I pray?

I was reading some blogs today and found one (all you who hope) that has really made me stop and think. It was about praying and really meaning what you pray. Sure it sounds great to say Lord, I will do your will....whatever you want me to do....and wait as long as need be. But then I realized do I really mean that. What if God's plan for me does not include getting pg. Then am I really prepared to be okay with that. I know I am not and I am ashamed that I can't be for God. It is kinda like while you are praying I want Your will to be done...but at the same time you are picturing His will to be the same as your will.

If there is one thing that IF has taught me it is that God's plan and my plan aren't the same. And I have to somehow be okay with that. It is such a struggle. Human emotions (especially my crazy hormones) are tough to rationalize with. Like today I am so sad and feeling very left behind. And a bit angry about it too. I see all of my friends on myspace with their children or pg bellies and I can't help but scream why me. Self pity.....whatever...this is how I feel right now.

Of course, tomorrow will be another day and another mood. Maybe I will be hopeful and have some peace. Maybe I will still be sad and restless. Wrapping my mind around the why's is too difficult...even though I still try to. What is it that I need to learn...why haven't I learned it by now. Will figuring this out help me get pg? Yeah...probably not. I know.

Lord, I am learning to be a disciple for you. I am in the VERY beginning stages and need your guidance on how to find this balance with my emotions. I know I can't trust them like I trust You. Lord, help me to trust NOT my own understanding. But find peace in yours. In Jesus Name I pray, Amen

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Disciple

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me" Luke 9:23

This is the verse we had to memorize last week. DH and I have started a new class on Wed. nights....on how to be a disciple for Jesus. This verse is why I am not completely drowning in sorrow. IUI #2 didn't work. Af showed a few days ago and I am pretty bummed. Each point we get to is just further and further from what we had planned. I am beginning to learn that God's path is not necessarily the path I want. I was doing okay and then I got on myspace and saw some old classmates that just had their babies or were expecting. And now I am just down. I am wishing I could be in their shoes. I know that this is my path and there are reasons for the bumps, but for now I just wish it was easy and simple. My 10 year reunion is coming up next year and I can't help but feel behind everyone.

Today has been the worst. DH works 14 hours today and I am just stuck at home dwelling on all kinds of things. In our class, we are suppose to put Christ first and not ourselves. Which is something I struggle with, because I tend to put my desire to be a mom above all things. SO I have planned to work on that...A LOT!!! Sorry I have been MIA....I am hoping my internet is fixed for good. Oddly enough I don't have anymore words....I am just too sad. But I am going to put Christ first and go and have quiet time with Him!!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Grandparents

DH and I were riding home today and we went past this house that my grandmother once lived. I kinda remember going there to see her and seeing that house made me think of her and miss her dearly. I was really close to my grandmother. Growing up...I only had two grandparents that were still alive. One was in a nursing home and passed away when I was young and the other one passed away when I was about 7. I missed having those grandparent moments. So I promised myself at a VERY young age that I would get on the ball and have some kiddos so that my parents and my hubby's parents would be completely involved with my kids. Then they would get to have all the grandparent moments they wanted.

And after thinking about my granny today...I fear that I may not be able to give my kids that promise. Which kills me. Of course, I DON'T ever want to think about losing my parents. I would go nuts without them....but I just want my kids to get to meet them and see how awesome they are. I often wonder about my grandparents that were already gone by the time I was born. What were they like...do I act like them...or have any of their characteristics. Would they be proud of the woman I have become.

I am trying to be optimistic and hopeful, but it is difficult to stay positive. Doubt creeps in every now and again and I wonder what if..... I know that God has a plan...but I am sad if that plan doesn't involve kids for us.

Update on me and IF: The IUI went well. I only had one follicle. Which I was bummed about...because I was at least hoping for two. I had 6 that the doctor was watching in the beginning, but my RE wanted to go slowly with me...so there ya go. I just know that my odds of one egg making it....is pretty slim. Plus my diet kinda sucks right now...so I am sure that will make things worse. I mean I am not out there pigging out on french fries and stuff...but I am not exactly eating lettuce and veggies all day. To be honest...I totally feel guilty that I can't make myself eat better. That is when the idea that it is my fault starts to creep up...ya know...what if I ate better...didn't lift that heavy box.....yada yada yada. Thankfully they are just thoughts and I can try to stop them.

Sorry for the topic switches...it is one of those days.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

sharing the babydust!!

I am beginning to be a pro at this whole shot giving thing. I have given myself a shot for the past three nights and it is not as scary as I had imagined it to be. The needle doesn't hurt at all...mostly the sting comes from the meds. DH was so proud of me...he watched me give myself a shot tonight. Usually he is the one that gives the shot...while I squeeze his arm and tightly close my eyes. I am sooo proud of myself. GO ME!!!

I am going tomorrow for another ultrasound...the one of many before the IUI. Last time the RE said I had some follies...so lets hope they are a growing. I am sooooo dreading the drive tomorrow...well really I am dreading getting up so early. I just need a couple of more hours. So Dh and I are going to make a day of it. We are going to the RE's office...then to a friend's work to visit for a bit...then to the mall to browse. Well...he doesn't know all that yet...but I am sure he will be game.

Today I got to hold a sweet new little baby. She was so precious. I couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if she was mine. If I was a new mom and I was able to gaze into those adorable eyes. She was so little and just perfect. I just knew that one day I will be there...one day soon. I just felt a peace about it while I held her. And my friend said I looked pretty natural holding her...so there!! Now I have some fresh babydust...and I will share it with you all.
****** BABY DUST*******
Sorry I don't have some fancy pic :D
TWO MORE DAYS TIL THE WKEND.....YIPEE!!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

IF rollercoaster

So if IF is a rollercoaster ride...then I am still on way up the huge hill. And this hill is getting bigger by the minute. You know when you are on that hill you are anticipating the ride down the hill...and usually there are curves and more hills ahead. Neways...just thought about that analogy so I had to share.

I am on CD 8 and I went for my 2nd ultrasound today....gearing up for IUI #2!! So far so good. I go back to the RE again on Thursday. I understand and appreciate all of the ultrasounds, but that drive so early in the morning is kicking my hiney. I was like a zomby on the drive this morning. I know...not the safest way to drive, huh? The RE told me today that I have some follicles on each side...so I guess that means they could possible mature enough to produce some eggos :D I am not getting my hopes up for tons of them...because I did that last time and ended up with only one stinkin egg. Which I was very thankful for...but I had in my mind that doing and IUI would help me produce more eggs and give me a higher chance of getting preggers.

My RE told me today that slow and steady wins the race. Yeah...while I am in the stirrups looking and hoping for some follies...I wasn't sure how to take that. So I just said yep. I am not going to let myself analyze that.....I am not...for real.

On the Maggie front...our new lil' pup!! She is doing great. It is tough potty training her...because she is so little with such a little bladder. And we dont' have a fenced for our backyard...so sometimes she thinks she can play keep away with me and run. Which scares me to death. So I tried to use a collar and leash...but they are too big for her and slip right off of her head. I feel like I have a newborn, because I am getting up super early to let her out and staying up super late to take her out. What the heck...I am taking this dog out like every 30 minutes...it is getting tough. I guess I will have to accept a few accidents in the house every now and then. If anyone has any tips...PLEASE share them!!

On the job front....I subbed again on Monday and the class was great. I felt more confident and I think I was able to get back into the swing of things. I have enjoyed subbing so far....especially the paycheck :D So as you can see I am trying to keep myself busy...but not too busy. There is a delicate balance I am trying to figure out.

SO here's to making a bunch of follies to make a bunch of eggs...to getting knocked up...to potty training maggie....and figuring out how to work and do all that housework.

I hope everyone else is doing great...have an awesome rest of the week.


OH YEAH*** I gave myself a shot lastnight. Usually DH does it or my awesome friend. But I actually did it lastnight all by myself..and I didn't faint. SO whoooohooooo!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

bummed

Af showed yesterday....I am still in shock because it was only cd 22. I guess I need to realize that this process is going to always keep me on my toes. Just when I thought I was getting "it" together.

We gave our cat to a friend yesterday as well. We have had him since he was a kitten. There are several reasons we needed to find him a new home. However, it was so hard. I just couldn't stop crying. I just worry about him and hope he is happy. I know he will be happier with this new family. He will be able to roam free throughout the house and be himself. I keep telling myself that it was our job to get him to this point. He was in an animal shelter when I got him..so he might not have found a home at all. I pray he is happy.

Today I had my first day as a substitute teacher. It has been almost 2 years since I have been in the classroom. And man...they kicked my hiney!!! They wouldn't listen...and some of them were a bit rude. I am sure that my emotional state isn't the best right now...so dealing with a bunch of 5th graders wasn't my idea of fun. Also, DH was off while I was at work and now he is at work while I am off. He also works 14 hrs tomorrow...so I won't see him much til Friday evening. That bums me out...He is my rock.

So there it all is in a nutshell....I am reminded of being barren...then I feel like a horrible person for giving my cat to someone else...then a bunch of kids won't even listen to me. I feel pretty insignificant right now. Hormones suck!!!!

I go for my baseline ultrasound tomorrow...then hopefully onto IUI #2....unless the RE says we need to wait another month. The sad thing is that I have found myself trying to talk myself out of wanting kids. I know it is sooo stupid. Yesterday I thought well....atleast I can sleep in...or do whatever I want...whenever...kinda. Yeah..I know...I wasn't that convincing. It just made me want it more, but at the same time I want to distance myself from it because it hurts so much. I don't want to feel the pain anymore. I just want to discard this part of me and not have to deal with it. These times truely are testing my strength.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Introducing Miss Maggie!!!

This bow is as big as her!!



This is her face when she is wondering what noise you are making.



She is so adorable!!



Sleeping with her elephant...so sweet!!!

So as you can see we have gotten our new doggie. Her name is Maggie. I absolutely love her to death. She is full of energy and loves to play. She also loves to take her naps. I actually feel like I brought a newborn home, because I have had to watch her like a hawk. She is so little and delicate...she only weighs 1.6 lbs. We got her last Tuesday and I am just now getting some sleep. She has to go outside to potty ALL of the time. Right now she just gets me up at 6 a.m. to potty and then I make her go back to sleep. So I kinda feel like a new mama.

As far as the IF update...there is nothing really to update. I think I have a week before AF shows. Then we are going to start IUI #2. We think...we are still discussing whether or not to do it or wait til January. I have been enjoying my break so it will be hard to get back to daily shots and long drives to the RE. I am sorry for being gone so long...my internet has been out. I feel like I am so behind on everyone...so I am going to read and catch up!!!!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Take One Step At A Time!!!

"take one step at a time...no need to rush....it's like learning to fly or falling in love...it's gonna happen when it's suppose to happen baby...." I am in love with that song by Jord.an Sp.arks. It just says exactly what I need to hear. It makes me put things into perspective. I mean I was patient when I was looking for my Mr. Right. So I should be patient now, right? Okay so maybe I wasn't so patient when I was looking for Mr. Right. I am sure there is a trend here...I am still too stubborn to change. My aunt would always tell me something when I would say...I just can't wait til....she would say...YES YOU CAN!! She almost stopped me from saying that phrase. I said almost.

DH and I just went out for some treats from Mickey D's. It was nice to get out just for the heck of it. We sat in the car and ate our treats and chatted. We talked mostly about God. And how sometimes we go through hard times and the reason behind the hard times are to draw us closer to God. I think about how much I yearn for a child and I can't imagine how much God yearns for us to be closer to Him. At the beginning of this IF journey I was a wreck. I mean a WRECK!!! Now I have learned to go to God...ALL THE TIME. I am NOT perfect at it by any means, but I try to remind myself to find comfort in Him. Of course, there are times when I want to eat something yummy or go shopping...but I try nonetheless.

God has really been my only solice during this time. When I need uplifting He uplifts me...when I need to grow stronger...he helps me grow stronger. Knowing that HE has a plan for us...makes this struggle well worth it. It still sucks..though. I will never say that it doesn't. This is definitely not the journey I had chosen for myself. For some reason...beyond my knowledge..God has chosen this path for me. I pray soon that I will know why...and what it is that I am suppose to learn. I think part of it...is to trust in Him. So I am getting there...slowly.

Still have my heart aching....still thought tonight "what if this doesn't happen", still yearn to be a mom, still hoping that this is my month, still dreading IUI #2 and the possibility of IVF, still holding onto God for help!!!!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Warning don't watch shows about pg....it bums ya out!!!

I have so much to be thankful for and I am really trying to just trust God and His plan for us. However, there are days when I need to let out my feelings and my fears. I am sure God wants me to do this so I can trust Him. I was just watching the show the doct.ors. Today it was about pregnancy. So of course, I thought I would get some much needed info. for when I do get pg. But at the beginning of the show...they discussed IVF. Very briefly and one of the dr.'s made some statements that made me super sad. He said that with our growing technology it is like we are playing God. Which I totally disagree with. They were specifically discussing multiple births that can stem from IVF. It just made me so sad, because I have seen them use more compassion talking about cigarette smoking than IVF. I mean come on...we can't help our situation. And if we chose to get medical help...well actually it chose us. Then so be it.

Then as I watched each woman in different trimesters...experiencing those usual pg symptoms. I obviously wondered if I will ever get there. The women talked about how they were just trying for a bit and then it happened. They were so carefree and didn't even know the miracle they had been given. I can't help but cry for myself and for every woman dealing with IF. I don't care if that makes me feel sorry for myself. I am allowed to do that every now and again. I think it is healthy as long as I don't let it overwhelm me. This is usually when I go through all those stages of sadness and anger...then pray for hope.

It is amazing how much you yearn for a child. It is a heartache that I couldn't even begin to explain. It is like one of my fellow sister blogger posted...saying that she felt like she was missing out on her God given right as a woman...to bear children. I feel the same way.

I will get to bring my little puppy home next Friday. I am hoping that will occupy my mind and my heart for a bit. I am secretly praying it will help me get pg. I know I am finally giving in to the whole relax thing. Well I am not selling out completely...I know I have PCOS and no amount of relaxing could make me ovulate without medicine, but I am going to give myself something else to focus on for a while. I truly wish I was preparing for a child instead of a dog. But I will take what I can get right now. So basically, I am bummed now. That stupid show. I knew I shouldn't have watched it. I know better.

Let me just get my fears out of my head for today and leave them here on my blog:

  • I am afraid of IVF....that is the BIG next step...what if it doesn't work
  • I am scared that nothing will work for us and that this is the life I have to live
  • I am afraid that IF will cost me so much in life besides money...like friendships and family relationships because I tend to isolate myself
  • I am afraid that I will fail God's test for me
  • Or that I already am failing God's test for me
  • I am afraid that all the IF meds I will take for IUI #2 and possibly IVF will cause physical harm to me...I don't know what but I still think it will somehow
  • I am afraid of never hearing the words mama

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Fall already :D Yippee!!!

This week has been going great...so far...so good. I have been wrapped up in reading about Yorkies and figuring out what to buy...so I will be prepared when we get Maggie. It is so nice to think about something else besides IF. Of course I still think about it, but it is a nice break to focus on something else. Today I cleaned the downstairs....a lot...I mean mopping, dusting (and I have tons of junk to dust), etc. Now I have to go upstairs and work on cleaning the bedroom. Which for some reason..is my least favorite thing to do. I really don't mind getting the downstairs in order. I don't know...maybe because I don't spend much time up there.

Oh and I am so psyched. I know it is WAY too early for this...but I put out my fall wreath and my fall rug. I haven't went crazy with all the pumpkins and such, but I just had to put some of it out. I love fall...I love all things fall...fall colors...fall holidays...fall festivals...fall weather....fall decor...EVERYTHING!! I am just going to imagine it is already fall. When does fall officially start anyways?? Halloween is especially a fun time for me...it just reminds me of being a kid and being silly. I have been debating having a little Halloween party at my house this year. A great excuse to dress up and have some fun.

As far as my cycle...I am trying not to think about it. I am sure I will when I get closer to O or AF. So I am just enjoying the first two weeks...they are always better than the last two of the cycle. Well...here's an early Happy Fall Y'all!!! HEHE

Monday, September 8, 2008

God and My Dad!!!

Okay God I am hearing you LOUD and CLEAR. It is amazing to me that I have actually been spoken to by God. You always say things like how he spoke to your heart. But if you really think about how cool it is that God....I mean come on...God actually wants to speak to me. When I think about it...it blows my mind. I feel very blessed and loved. I have been praying for God to show me the life He has planned for me. And he is revealing it to me in pieces.

First of all, I decided to start sub. teaching at a local school. I have a degree....just haven't been using it. DH and I thought we would have a baby and I could stay at home...well two years later and no baby. And I am getting restless to say the least. I enjoy my time at home and am VERY grateful, but I know I need to do more right now. I went today to the school and applied...so hopefully they will be calling me soon. When I got home today I called my dad to chat. He sends out inspirational thoughts via e-mail each day and he told me he sent me the one for Tuesday already and wanted me to review it. It was about me. This is what the e-mail said:

I would like for you to read and give me the feedback on these thoughts! They are very special to someone very special to me. I love you, Dad

Welcome Tuesday!!!!
A great day in all of our lives, for God gave us another one!!!! Right??
"WHEN DOES LIFE BEGIN "
I believe life starts at conception. Let's just see how life begins after the great event of coming into this world. With a blast , you are here, relief to your Mother, and a shock and scary time for you, until you are placed in the arms of your mother. You then are comforted by the arms and love that surround you, you are safe!!!! Well, from there you go to the accountability of your life, this is what God says. When you get there (you will know your age of accountability), you are then responsible for your life and your actions. You can pray and accept Jesus, and just as you felt the arms of comfort from your mother at birth, you will feel this warm wrap around you as you have never felt before. He will carry you through all good times, and hard times. You just have to call on Him. So your life has begun, and then we still sometimes, stop and say, when will my life begin? This statement is one of misdirection. Life has and is going at full speed. Your requests may have not been met, but that only means that you need to look at the fork in the road , and see what God has posted for you to follow. It will show two signs, ME, and GOD! Follow the sign that reads"GOD", and then your life will keep going, not beginning, but continuing,, in His name and not your wants.... What ever will come, will come,, trust me, even if it is not exactly what you had in mind, but you will feel the direction, just give in and accept it. Get out there in this world and participate with the world, and get away from the cocoon of home safety. Work for His cause and then you will see
THAT LIFE IS AT FULL SPEED,
IT HAS ALREADY BEGUN !!!!
DON'T WASTE,, WHAT GOD HAS GIVEN!!!

Lord, thank You for being the driver of my life, and may we all put our full trust in You , amen John HIcks Concerned !!!! Pray, Pray!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it cool how I had already went out to apply for a job and didn't even read this yet. It just confirms what I need to do...even if I am nervous about sub. teaching. It has been a while...so I just have to get back in the swing of things. If anyone out there wants to get my dad's inspirational thoughts each day...just send me your e-mail address and I will give it to him. He loves adding new people to the list.
I know that I still will have my moments where I feel like I am standing still and just waiting, but I am going to try to move forward and see what GOD has in store for me. I will always yearn to be a mom....so this will be a daily struggle. A struggle of either getting in my safe cocoon or getting out in the world and living. I pray God gives me the strength to do this....especially when I see other moms with their children. I pray that it won't make me so sad. Lord...thank you for helping me down this path. I am always in need of road signs and direction on where to go. Please help all of us who feel like we are just waiting for life to begin...help us to see the life around us and get back to living it. In Jesus Precious Name....Amen!!!
**********************************************************************************
I just couldn't wait to show you our newest edition to the family. IT IS A GIRL :D We just adopted a sweet little Yorkie. We will get her in two weeks and I can't wait. I have a new meaning to the TWW...hehe Here is a picture of our angel. Her name is Maggie. As soon as I get her I will put tons of more pics on here.
Photobucket

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Randomness

I have tried SO hard today to stay chipper. I think I did okay...I mean I am not sobbing in the floor...so I am good. DH had to work all day and for some reason I can't get motivated when I don't see him in the morning...I know I am smitten. But it is true (ah ha...almost said so true...but didn't). When he is around I am full of energy and ready to tackle anything. I was just in one of those frozen mood days where I couldn't seem to get anything done. My plan was to have a good old day of housecleaning. Then I would at least feel productive. Instead it was couch time and some weird sci fi movie. I always get hooked on those and then end up closing my eyes through all of the scary parts.

I talked myself into getting a shower and told myself TO GET UP AND GET BUSY!! After the shower I made the mistake of turning the t.v. back on and ended up being a total couch potato all day. I feel so gross now...not productive...just lazy. I know some ppl would give anything for peace and quiet and lazy time...but not me. I want more. DH got home and we went for a drive...so I could clear my head and my vision...from all the t.v. That does a whammy on your eyes. It was nice outside...a bit rainy, but cooler than usual. So we rolled the windows down and drove to "town". I hoped that would cure my yucky mood, but it didn't. I even tried to be silly and stuff...but nope I am right here hoping that typing these words will help me.

I am stuck waiting for my life to begin. I know I shouldn't waist my time, but I feel like I am just sitting here waiting. Tick Tock...when will it finally begin. I imagine by the time it does begin I will be so behind. I see other women...moms...with their daily schedules and no time even left to ponder what the heck to do. I feel lost in this world...I feel like I don't belong, because I am not a mom. It is kinda like this club...ya know. Even at the OBGYN office..if you are not pg...you are NOT important. That is why I am happy with my RE. When I got either a false positive or a chemical pg...a while back..I went into the OBGYN office and finally felt like I had joined the club. But it was short lived. I guess I was kicked out...due to the no bun in the oven and all.

Why do I feel like there is this us versus them thing going on. I hate that I feel that way. I guess it is just like that....grass is always greener..huh? I am sure there are moms out there that actually envy me. I am sure that there are a very few amount...maybe like one. I don't know...maybe they envy the amount of time I have to myself. Trust me....it is not all it is cracked up to be...everything is good in small doses!!!

Sorry this is super long, but I have a lot on my mind. DH and I were looking at getting a puppy. A Yorkie. But they are expensive and we already have a cat. A very bad cat. Well he just misbehaves and jumps on EVERY dang thing. I really wanted the dog so I could play mother. I know I am nutso. Soon I realized that is why I wanted it and kinda reconsidered. It isn't off the table....we are just taking more time to think about it. I know I am suppose to keep my peace about God's path, but I am still restless. I know that we are here for a reason....and I know there is a good reason for it. I am just impatient. Have always been...probably always will be. So here's to tomorrow being better....a lot less yucky...no tv's involved...and to this next week being a blast. I am thinking positive...that is a start :D

Thursday, September 4, 2008

God chose for us!!!

GOD is SOOO awesome!!! I have had another moment where God has helped me realize some of my path and helped give me some peace about all of this IF stuff. As you know, I have been really bummed that I wasn't pg after the IUI. Also, I have been physically feeling HORRIBLE. I am nauseous with a bad headache. And the perma-nausea is rough. Neways...I was at a point where I felt pretty low and I am still recovering right now. I was in my living room just sobbing and asking God not to leave me and to please help me. I wasn't sure what to pray for anymore or how to word what I needed. All I knew is that I needed God to wrap me up in His arms right then and there. I felt like I was at that breaking point...ya know the one where you are just so exhausted emotionally and physically you just don't have the strength to go on.

Well, right then...the phone rang. And my sweet neighbor was calling me. She asked what I was doing...and with a snotty nose and tears running down my face I plainly said crying. By the way, DH was at work all day. We set up dinner plans to get me out of the house and to be able to talk things out. Which made me thank God right after we hung up the phone. I know He wanted her to call me....you will see why soon. Keep reading...sorry I know it is super detailed.

We went to dinner and she gave me this newsletter by a very popular author...John Eldredge. Her hubby is a pastor and thought of me when he was reading it....because of my recent circumstances and troubles. He thought it would be something I would love to read and get inspired too. After I got back home I was able to read it carefully. And WOW...did it speak to me.
Read it for yourself and you will see that it really applies to IF!!! The link is: http://www.ransomedheart.com/goingdeeper/newsletters.aspx It is the newsletter for August 2008 titled Desire.

Basically it talks about disappointments and how we handle disappointments. Most of us give up our desires because of fear of disappointments. Then you end up just trying to get by and not really living the life God wants for you. I guess just on auto-pilot. Then others tend to (namely me) let our desires take over and we don't even stop to wonder if this is what God wants for us. If you are running after your desires and not God's desires then you are setting yourself up for heartache. So we shouldn't give up our desires or let them run us. There needs to be a balance...and in that balance is GOD.

I had begun to desire a baby so badly I was on auto-pilot. I just assumed that doing another IUI was what He had planned and I was following that plan. But in reality I was just following my own desires....blindly I might add. I knew in my heart that I needed to take a break from it all and take some time to get on God's path.

So I prayed the prayer at the end of the newsletter....this is what it said:

Lord Jesus, I don’t get it. I don ’t like the way this story is turning out. I ask you into my
disappointments, all of them. Come into this place in my heart. I know you are good. I know you love me. Show me what you have for me. Show me how much I have lived in resignation. Let me also not just chase my desires foolishly. God I pray for the knowledge of your will for me through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. Show me the life you have for me. Shepherd me.

So I gave it up to God. This morning we had our baseline ultrasound and was beginning IUI #2. I already have my meds....they came yesterday. My RE found two cysts on one of my ovaries from the last IUI and meds. So he said we couldn't do an IUI this cycle...because it would just make my cysts grow. God chose for us today. He has told us to take this break and I pray that I will continue to see His desires and follow them. I don't know what is in our future of IF...I just know that God is in it...and that is all I need to know.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

AF is kickin my butt!!.....add on.....

WOW.....AF has really kicked my butt this time. I guess it comes with the territory...ya know...all those hormones. I wasn't expecting cramps this bad. And of course, when you don't feel emotionally all together...it makes you physically feel bad too. It has been a rough few days. I am still not 100%, but I am getting better each day. I just fell apart this time. I was feeling pretty hopeless. Right now I don't really feel anything...just a bit numb. DH and I discussed our plan last night....on what to do next...then next...then next. So far we agree that we will do IUI one more time...then IVF. I am not sure where we will go after that if nothing works. I don't even know if I will be able to make it through this second IUI. I am tired and worn out. I don't know where women get the strength to do this and work full time. I couldn't do it. I would be insane.

One thing that I hate about myself right now is my attitude about other pg women. Or just seeing other families. It just makes me have this rush of emotions....mostly pain in my heart. I know I am not supposed to focus on the things I don't have...but focus on what God has given me. I am so blessed to have a husband that truly is my best friend. We have a love that most people don't get to experience...so I should be happy to have that. But of course I want to be able to give DH a child. A child that is the product of our love. I want to see a little DH with those gorgeous brown eyes. I would so be wrapped. I just get goosebumps when I see DH with our nieces and nephews. He is so sweet with them. As you can tell..I must still be in the grieving process, over this IUI not working. It also makes you realize that THIS may not happen for us. And that is just too much for me to bare. I am a VERY emotional person anyway....then you add the hormones...and I am a big ole mess!!

DH still believes that this will happen for us. I wish I had that kind of hope right now. It is just hard to get my hopes up and then BAM they come crashing down. I want to be realistic, but I want to be able to hope too!!! Maybe we do need a break from this...or at least maybe I do. Then I can have some time to get better. The only thing is then I would totally feel like I should have done the IUI this cycle. So I am going to do it and see what happens. If it doesn't work, maybe then we will take a break and just enjoy the upcoming holidays.

My questions now are where do I go from here....how do I get my hope back??? If anyone knows...please fill me in on the secret.


********ADD ON*******

As I finished typing this post the doorbell rang. It was my meds for this cycle. My RE changed it up and I am taking Menopu.r this time. So I opened up the box of 20 viles of that stuff..some cetrati.de...and ovi.drel. Then there were 20 syringes and needles....alcohol swabs...and this time they sent me a container for my needles. I can't help but get sick to my stomach after that delivery. It is official IUI #2 is underway!!!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Sad Day

I am ashamed to say this, but I was angry at God last night. All I can say is that I knew He could fix this and for some reason He wasn't. So I was in pain and it showed through anger...then lots of tears. DH just rubbed my head and let me cry it out. Throughout this entire journey I swore to myself that I wouldn't get angry with God. I guess nothing is off limits in this process. Each time that AF shows or I get a BFN I try to and have a chin up kinda attitude. But this time I didn't have the strength. Today so far has been pretty rough. I am on the sad train and don't see a stop ahead. I am learning that I cannot do this alone...that I need God to get me through this or I won't make it. I need His comfort and security.

AF showed last night.....so I called the nurse and now I am waiting to see what the next move is. I totally ate poptarts for breakfast and just feel like I am in a downward spiral. It is hard to say that....I am embarrassed to be so full of self-pity right now. I am only giving myself one day to grieve...then I want to move on and chin up.

Dear Lord, Please forgive me for my anger towards you. Please know it comes from my pain right now and I am so sorry. I trust your path, I am just having trouble adjusting to it. I need you so much right now. Please stay with me and help me find comfort and some peace about this not working. Help me to get up from this sadness and have the strength to move on. Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you dearly. In Jesus name I pray...Amen

Monday, September 1, 2008

PLEASE EXCUSE MY VENTING

I know it is not over til AF shows...but I just have that feeling that it is over for this cycle. Of course, tonight as I start to wind down I start analyzing. I mean come on....there was an egg and sperm. The sperm even got a head start. What went wrong??

This is when you start to question the why's. Those tend to be: (but not limited to)
  • Does God not want me to be a momma
  • Could DH's sperm and my egg be "allergic" to each other...or not a good match
  • Did I stress too much
  • Did I not eat right (OF COURSE I DIDN'T)
  • Did I not pray enough
  • Did I not have enough faith

You just start to wonder what the heck is going on. And even though you have Tons of faith in God...you are having a freakout moment. I want to scream and shout and cry and just throw my hands in the air!!!!

I am sick of dreaming...I want it to be a reality. I am sick of seeing other families together and wishing that we could have that too. It just breaks my heart that I can't give DH a child. It is hard not to blame myself...because after all...it is my body that isn't working right. I know I shouldn't do that....and I am sure that it is all part of my moment of insanity.

I can just see our future children....all the memories...all those special moments. But I don't know if I will ever get to have those experiences. I am not guaranteed anything in life. So I am busting my butt to get it. This next cycle I will be taking more shots each day.....and I am going to have to crack down on my eating habits. Which is so much easier said then done.

Wait...I have to get some anger out first. (Remember anger comes from pain) So this is just me letting it out....so please no one get offended...okay. Here we go...........I am so sick of waking up everyday constantly yearning to be a mom.....I am sick of this constant aching in my heart....it is like I have lost a loved one...but I can't grieve properly for the loved one.....I am sick of seeing DH's face when we get a BFN....I am sick of being brave....I am sick of mothers complaining about their kids...when I would give anything to have something to complain about....I am sick of being positive all the time about IF....I am sick of seeing friends or family that are pregnant and having to put on a smile when all I want to do is cry....I am sick of worrying if this is the month...I am sick of hearing about birthing stories....about how quick or long it was...like I even remotely understand....I am SOOOOO sick of being told to freakin' relax.....I am sick of it all....everything that entails the woes of IF. I am sick of IF!!!!!!!! I guess that is how I would describe IF...it is a sickness....you feel it everyday and there is no medicine to make it better....only one cure...and that cure is really expensive or out of reach. excuse

Don't get me wrong...I am thankful for the many blessings I have in my life. But right now I am going to let myself be sad and vent. So tonight....I am going to get out the tissues and cry like a baby....until I feel better.

Christmas didn't come early this year

I woke up at like 7:30 this morning and sat in anticipation of testing. Of course, DH was sound asleep while I had butterflies in my stomach. After a while of analyzing what could be....DH woke up...we prayed....and I tested. Now, testing is a pain because only seeing one line is a HORROR. So I did the whole thing and ran like heck because I didn't want to see the outcome. DH and I argued over who would go and look...we decided to go together. There it was only one line...A BFN!!!!!

I am sad, but not out yet, because AF hasn't shown. However, my pg tests have been accurate thus far...so I am sure I am not pg. I am going to have to get positive and wrap myself up in GOD. Or better yet, He can wrap Himself around me and that would be very comforting. I know there is a reason for this. DH was super sweet, he took me to Hard.ees for bkfast and then we checked our town's new Ing.les. I know it sounds boring, but it is the biggest one in the states. It was HUGE. Now we are going to plant some trees and enjoy the rest of our holiday. I am planning to hit the gym for the first two weeks before O. Here's to shots not hurting...bellies not bloating (from all the shots), no crazy mood swings, and a successful #2 IUI!!!!

God bless everyone caught in the hurricane's path. I pray that everyone is safe from harm and that there is very minimal damage done to L.A.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Skinny shorts, God's beauty...and Christmas??

YIPPEE.... I got to wear my "skinny" shorts today. I still can't believe they fit me. I had on my other shorts and they were feeling a bit baggy, especially in the crotch. Ya know when your shorts are hanging on your hips (barely). So I went into my closet of all of my old clothes. I couldn't look at my old skinny clothes anymore, so I put them in another closet and hid them away. I decided what the heck I will try them on...and they fit. I was super thrilled.

DH and I got to get away this weekend and had a blast. We went to visit with my sis and her fam...at a cabin. We are pretty tired now and really just want to spend Labor day in our P.J.s just watching t.v. and being lazy. The only thing we NEED to do is plant some trees DH bought. Let me just share some photos from the trip of all the beauty God has created. You can't refuse His existence once you lay your eyes on these photos :D



Pic by my sissy


Even some old dead corn stalk is beautiful!!!




I guess I have staggered around it enough. The only thing that has been on my mind is ya know.....wanting a BFP tomorrow. I feel like it is the night before Christmas, except I am not sure if Christmas is coming or not. So I guess we will see if Christmas comes early for us or not. Just be prepared for anything from me tomorrow.

WISHING.....AND HOPING....AND PRAYING!!!!!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Signs...Signs...Everywhere Signs!!

I totally believe in signs. I am sure that there are some signs that I might make into signs and therefore don't really count. But there are so many signs out there and usually they point right to our journey. I have been having MAD dreams lately. First they started off really wacky...I couldn't even explain them. Then they turned into pg dreams. Mostly of ppl telling me I was pg. The one I can really remember was of me in the RE's office and I went to nurse after nurse and each one would smile and say I have a surprise but you aren't having Quads...Triplets...etc. Each one went until the last nurse said You are pregnant. And I fainted. That was a great dream. I could feel the excitement and shock.

And for some reason...some of my dreams do come true. They aren't like predictions or anything, just some of them come true and then I remember I dreamed about it before it happened. I am sure we have all had our moments like that. Then there is the whole testing on labor day thing. Okay I know that is not a lot of signs. But they are better then none, right?

For once I am allowing myself to get my hopes up. I know this can be dangerous and I know the risks. I know that God will take care of me no matter what. So I am raising my hopes and walking tall. Warning: be prepared for this to bite me in the HINEY!! So be prepared for future sad posts if I get a BFN.

I am going to try and not post until I test on Monday. We will see how that goes!!!

Happy Wkend to Everyone...Hope y'all have a great Labor day!!!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Labor Day?? A sign maybe!!

6 More Days til Test Time!!!!

I get butterflies in my tummy thinking about the possibility of being pg. I daydream about it often. I even get excited about the morning sickness that will come. Because that is a SURE sign of pregnancy. I will be so proud of my growing belly. I can't imagine what if feels like to be pg. It must feel like a miracle. What an awesome bond. Oh I just get sooo excited about it. I think it is good to let myself dream about it every now and again. I definitely don't want to get my hopes up...but who cares...I can dream. The other night DH and I went to see Tro.pic Thu.nder (Downey was hilarious) and I saw a cute pregnant woman in there. I just knew that was a sign that I will soon be there too. I just wanted to stare at her because she was my size with my hair color and I could imagine myself being pg. Of course, I didn't stare because I didn't want her to think I was a wacko. I just can't wait to experience pregnancy.

Right now I have no pg symptoms, which doesn't really worry me. I am sure because everyone I has told me that they didn't feel any different when they were pg until after like 7 weeks. I am a bit nauseous...but that could be because I forgot to take my metformin right after bkfast. I took it like an hour after. So that could have made me sick.

I was thinking I am so glad that I have had this past week to get over all those shots and moodiness. I mean....I HATED those shots everyday. And when I was done with them I thought for sure that I would never do that again. But now I have recovered somewhat and have the strength to do it again...if need be. The only thing that makes me worry that this didn't work is because I only had one follie. So only one egg. Well, unless it splits. Which twins run in my family and DH's family. I would LOVE having twins. Then if it is difficult again to get pg I would already have 2 kiddos. And I am sure it will be hard next time too. Especially if I already have one to look out for and do all those shots...whew. I am just exhausted thinking about it.

Happy Soon to be Labor Day Wkend to Everyone!!! Hey, I just realized it is Labor day and I am testing on that day. Maybe that is another sign. I pray it is!!!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Running Thoughts

I was beginning to ponder my journey so far. Ya know the why's and such. I guess I was inspired by my fellow sisters in the blog world. If you don't know I have PCOS...which is polycystic ovarian syndrome. My hormones are wacky and instead of ovulating I grow some nice cysts. I didn't find this out until after a year of TTC and a LAP. And no the LAP didn't tell me about PCOS. My RE discovered it with a mere ultrasound. That still has me wondering what my OB was doing.....didn't he even notice those 15 cysts on each ovary?? I mean come on...15!!!

After my dx I realized that I had to go through this to find out about my PCOS. Ya see my bloodwork was normal, so it wouldn't have been detected any other way. And if you have PCOS and continue to eat badly and not treat it...not only do you deal with IF, but later on you could have diabetes and heart problems...and such. So it was a wake up call to start living right. Granted it is still a work in progress.

Also, recently I have realized that not only my dx of PCOS was God's plan......but also me getting closer to Him. As y'all know IF is a SEVERE emotional roller coaster that sometimes pushes you away from God. And I had my moments of that too. But as of right now I am closer to God. Kinda like I was when I was a child. You know that feeling when you were a child with childlike faith. Where you talked to God all day like he was a friend hanging with ya. There is a peace that comes with that. And peace is awesome. Even if it is in short bursts.

Well, now since I know (or at least I think I do) the why's....shouldn't I be pg?? Well that is the question, huh. I am done with everything....right?? I took all my "classes" took all my "tests" where is my diploma???? As much as I want to think I am entitled to something...I know I am not. Lucky for me I serve a God that will bless me because He loves me so dearly. But I don't want him to think that I think I deserve it. I hope I don't. I just pray that He thinks I do. That sounds better.

I have heard so many different things on what to pray for with IF.

  • Pray for His will to be done (i.e. adoption)
  • Pray to change His mind
  • Pray for a baby...simple
  • Pray for healing
  • Pray for a baby...this cycle....if.....that is His will

I am not sure what to pray for. I mean do I have to say it just right for Him to answer it. I don't think I have to. He knows my innermost intentions, so he knows that it comes from my heart. As you can tell by my blogging skills I am not talented in the words department. I have ranted enough and changed the topic a bunch...I will end on that.

8 More Days til 14 Days Post IUI.....I may test on 13 Days Post IUI....so 7 more days....YIKES!!!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Freak Out # 1

I lasted as long as I could before I started freaking out about...well...everything. I have tried not to look at my calendar to calculate how much more time I have before I can test....yeah that didn't last long. I think I am suppose to test 14 days after the IUI. Or is it 14 days after my trigger shot?? I don't really know. My RE always says 12 days. But that scares me. Too early means uncertainty. I went online to see if I could find some knowledge about my injections and how it all happens. I found a site with animation of what happens and it was really cool. Of course, it wasn't tailored to my specific situation so it just didn't do.

It is like I am waiting for someone to tell me what will happen. I have even considered begging for a blood pg test. But I know I can't even do that til closer to time of AF and then they have to send off the blood and by then I can POAS. So I have 8 more days to wait. And that feels like a lifetime. My entire future depends on what happens in 8 days. I will either be pg or still on my journey to pg. And those two paths are VERY different. I want to trade in my IF days for PG days. You know how you get to a point and you think....this is the last straw. I am so almost there. A point where if this doesn't work I have to just get away from it all and be FREE!!!

8 more days is a LONG time...think about it..it is 192 hours...about 7,920 minutes!!! Way too long for someone like me to have idle time on my hands. I guess I need to come up with somethings to keep me busy this week and weekend. Okay....DH is off tomorrow so we could do something. Then I am calling all friends for support for the rest of the week...keep me occupied...PLEASE. We are going out with my sis this wkend so that is covered. Then I just have two more days to fill. I don't want to wish my life away by any means...I just want to know. I guess so I can either REJOICE or MOVE ON!!

I am sure Freak Out #'s 2, 3, 4, and 5 will be coming soon!!!
Any advice on how you made it through the tww and was still sane...let me know!!!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

a little about me

I am feeling much better today...a bit down and slow. But I think that is because of the weather here. It is stormy and cloudy. Not to mention the humidity. It is horrible. Like a big old dragon breathing on your neck. I talked DH into going out tonight to eat. I promised that I would cook all this week. And I intend to find some yummy/healthy recipes. I already have one for chicken fingers thanks to a fellow blogger (thank you all who hope). Some other things on my list are roast with squash and green beans. And I am trying to figure out how to make my cornbread dressing healthy. Well for me and my PCOS self. If anyone has any ideas on where to find cornbread that is wheat...if that even exists...please let me know.

Today I hung out with my sissy and nieces. Yesterday was a horrible day in the house....I was bored and felt like POO!! So I decided this morning I would get out for the day. I think it did me a lot of good. Plus getting hugs and kisses from the cutest little girls in the world didn't hurt either. They are soooo sweet. On my way home I was thinking about...of course...a baby. A baby of my very own. My own child. I just get goosebumps when I think about it. I know God will bless us with a child in His way, so I just get so excited about it. I just wish I knew when. Then I could plan so much. If it was going to be a while I would go in full gear to lose weight. I have already lost 18 lbs. I want to lose 10 more. Then I will be back to my size before the baby making adventures started. I guess I ate to console myself..and then there is that whole oh no I can't start exercising....just in case I am pg. That went on forever. So now I just take it easy after O. Then if AF shows or I get a BFN...then I just go and work out like crazy.

I miss working out. I feel like just getting on the elliptical and going for hours. But let's be honest it would really be only minutes. It is amazing how great you feel after exercising. It has been the one thing that has helped me not completely lose it after a BFN. I have struggle with depression my whole life and when we started TTC it go worse. I had just finished grad school and DH and I decided to start a family. So I would be a stay at home mommy and he would work. It seemed like it would happen so quickly, that I never thought I would have trouble. Plus my sister is like fertile myrtle. So I was hoping I was like her. I think that when I came off of my anti-depressant....I did it too quickly. My body was in shock and I felt like a train had hit me. I mean everything hurt...I had headaches daily....and I just felt like crap. I NEVER want to feel like that again. So luckily I am on an anti-depressant that is safe for when I get pg. And it is helping me.

I really had to change my way of thinking to get better. It was TOUGH. And the only way I know I did it was with God's help. I mean if you can imagine depression at its worst...that was me. And now I am totally the opposite. When I get down I turn to God for support. And I just have a different attitude in general. It is hard to explain...God works in mysterious ways. I am not sure why I needed to share that. I guess I just realized how far I have come since then.

Another week til I can test....PRAY for me!! God bless you all!!!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Rantings of an insane hungry woman

Okay how many times to I have to promise myself to eat right??? I am sooo bad!! But in my defense...lateley...it has just been so hard to eat right. All I want is the bad stuff....pizza, chinese, baked potatoes, chips, pop tarts. I want it all. Plus when I think about eating I am a bit nauseous so the bad stuff always sounds better. I have been nauseous for years now...I am beginning to think that when I finally am not nauseous maybe I am pg. I think right now it is my metformin, but before I am not sure what it was. I just tend to always have a bit of nauseousness with me all the time. I have gotten somewhat used to it. Unless it is bad and I feel like I have to throw up.

I have realized that the reason I may have not been feeling so well lately is because of my eating habits. DH has tried to be so good, but I talk him over to the dark side every time. I talked him into going to Chinese the other day. Then of course, after I was stuffed, I felt guilty. It is like I am a mad woman when I am hungry. Like a monster....NEED FOOD NOW....FEED ME....HAVE TO EAT JUNK FOOD!!! What is up with that. I was doing so well before. You could put a plate of my favorite foods and I might piddle at a few and be full. Maybe the dr. needs to up my met.formin. I am getting tooo used to this dose... I am just kidding. I definitely don't want that. I mean of course who doesn't want to have to go to the bathroom for number 2 (and you know that can't be normal what comes out) all the time and feel sick. That sounds like a blast.

So I have been taking it easy lately. Since the IUI. I am praying that it worked. Some days I feel like it did and some days I feel like it didn't. For some reason I think that I should be able to literally feel if it worked or not. Which I know is impossible, but in my mind all the same. Now I have like maybe 9 days before I can POAS. Which I totally dread doing. I am a POASaphobic. I hate just seeing one stupid line every time. I guess you can tell today my mood isn't so great. I am a bit down in the dumps and without much needed hope. I pray that I will wake up tomorrow with a different attitude. I need to go and eat some breakfast and the poptarts that DH made before he left for work are still permeating throughout the house. So I need to eat my fiber one cereal. Must eat that...not oh so yummy poptarts. I hope I can resist. :D

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

IUI is complete!!

My IUI is complete and everything went well. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I wasn't really super nervous....just restless all night. I kept trying to keep myself calm and not stressed. Which is easier said then done...for sure. DH and I had to get up early to make the haul to "town" to the RE's office. Luckily, we left early enough...because traffic was bad.

So here is how it went down :D DH gave his "men" and we prayed over it...for God to bless it and it's journey to come. Then we waited and waited and waited. While they washed it and tested it. The RE said DH had more than enough to get the job done. We were proud...I know weird. Then the RE used a catheter and inserted the "men". He let DH push the syringe, so that was really cool that he let him in on the procedure. It didn't really hurt...just like getting a pap. Then I layed down for 10 minutes and was off. I made sure to lay down even longer on the car ride home...JUST IN CASE!! So now we are in the tww (two week wait). Which I am sure will seem like a lifetime.

I have been so blessed to have so many family members and friends praying for us and for this life we hope to conceive. I am sure God is thinking....I am getting alot of call about this family. I am sure that he is smiling to see His children loving each other so much. We are very thankful for all of those prayers and love.

So for the next two weeks...just be prepared for me to go through all kinds of emotions from hope to doubt....probably in the same day. I will analyze the procedure in my head and wonder about every pain or small feeling in my stomach...even though I know I couldn't feel anything now anyway. But all the same it will give me reassurance that there is a baby in there growing. The RE did mention the what if this doesn't work thing. And I just couldn't let myself even think that. Before I HAD to have a plan of what to do if... Now I just feel like I can't prepare for what is to come. Well, the only way I can prepare is by praying and confiding in God.

I still can't believe that we are here...and it is even harder to believe that we are here and are still making it....somewhat sane...and still trusting God. I know there are reasons beyond my capability of understanding at work. Thank you God for carrying us to this place...we aren't really sure where we are on our journey to be parents. But whether it is still the beginning....or the middle, or hopefully the end....we will continue to follow your path. In Jesus precious name...Amen!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Here and there and everywhere

Warning: I am a bit random in this blog...sorry if I switch topics so much!!


Hay pic by me :D Enjoy!


Today has been an awesome day so far. At first I was worried because DH is working all day today...it is one of his 14 hour days. So I was bummed and a bit clueless how to pass my time. Then I called up my awesome friend and asked her to breakfast. Luckily she agreed...even though it was 10 a.m. and I was scared she had already eaten. I think she heard the desperation in my voice to get out of this stinkin house. So we rode off to get some grub and just hang out. It has really made my day so bright.

Yesterday I got the entire downstairs cleaned and I am going to work on the upstairs today. Well, it is really just the master bedroom and bathroom. Not like is much else to clean up there. Who knows I may even clean out my car today...I am on a roll.

As I was pulling back into the driveway after our breakfast feast I was like oh I am having so much fun....and I realized at that moment I had let myself forget about IF and stuff. I thought about how free I felt when I forgot about it and realized how much IF has put on me. It takes away a lot from you. You can't just go out and do things you normally would do. So today I am going to be FREE and do what I want to do.

My trigger shot wasn't so bad last night. Nothing compared to the centratide. That one HURT!!! So my follies are gearing up to release some eggs or maybe they already have...I am not sure. The one thing I have learned is that the RE doesn't fill you in on all the details unless you ask. And I tend to go stupid when I am there. So I am just imagining my future child or children are working their way down the good old fallopian tubes and awaiting the magic s.perm to make them whole. I am so psyched!!! Does anyone know the %'s on success rate of IUI in general? I know it varies for every woman. I am too scared to ask my RE my %, but maybe I will get up the nerve tomorrow.

Welp, I am off to clean some toilets, fold some clothes, and dust some furniture. I know it sounds soooo thrilling. Just another day in the life of a housewife. I know I am weird, but I LOVE it!!!

Monday, August 18, 2008

The Date Is Set

The date is set!!! IUI is scheduled for Wednesday morning. I am sooo psyched!! and nervous...and scared...and hopeful. Just a ton of emotions. I am REALLY happy that I only have to do one more shot tonight and then I am DONE!! And I have faith that I am done FOR GOOD!! The RE appt. today was great...fast, but good news is way better than bad news. My RE said everything was looking good. So tonight at 8 I will get my trigger shot and be ready for Wed.

After Wed. I am taking it easy. Maybe a bit of LIGHT housecleaning and cooking, but that is it. I am going to make sure to get all this stuff in order before the big day. I have a lot to do. Dishes, floors, dusting, wash clothes....I am tired just typing about it. I know is probably sounds weird but I enjoy my housewife duties...they are fun. Well, sometimes cleaning bites.

Oh yeah, and I told DH he couldn't shave his beard until we know if this works or not. Somehow I think that will help. I know I am crazy, but he is still not shaving his beard...just in case :D hehe
Happy Monday to everyone....I will be freaking out again tomorrow....and posting like crazy.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

So far so good!!

So I am about to do my 5th ultrasound and bloodwork appt. tomorrow. I think it is my final one to determine when we do the IUI. My RE increased my dose of follistim and added centratide to the mix. And yes I may misspell these names so please don't quote me on it :D The centratide was HORRIBLE. My first shot of it HURT a lot. Mainly because it burned and then itched. I soon realized that I was a bit allergic to it because the injection spot turned red and wept up. Of course, DH came to the rescue and gave me some medicine and cream to help with the allergic reaction. Of course, I freaked out and thought I was going to die. Luckily, I didn't and all was well. My shot today wasn't as bad as yesterday and the injection spot just turned a little red this time.

Then because my RE increased my dose of Follistim.....I ended up not having enough to get me through to Monday. So I was freaking out.....because I can't just go to the corner pharmacy and get more. This is when I just adored the medicine makers. Or atleast the medicine fillers. My nurse said they tend to put a bit more than what is labeled on the vile. And luckily...Thank God....they did. They had just enough left to finish me off.

I am definitely still emotionally challenged right now. I have noticed that things bug me more so than usual. And with me...it takes A LOT to make me mad. Maybe not much to make me cry, but A LOT to make me mad. So needless to say I have been mad a lot more lately...due to those good ole hormones. I have decided not to do the whole...oh I feel like this is the cycle. And I refuse to plan for what if it doesn't work. I somehow think that thinking that may jinx the procedure. Yep, I will do anything that works. Even if it is superstitious.

I am looking forward to tomorrow and my RE appt. I hope for great news and a date for the IUI.